Ongoing Comedy 2: When You Wish Upon a Star Wars.

[Roethlisberger 0]

never mind, forgot what I was going to do.

Edited November 8, 2004 by Roethlisberger

[Tsl 7]

((Posting a quickie before I go to bedness))

[Tsl 7]

"Oh no!" shouted Drake. He ran towards Tsl with every intension of freeing her from death by giant gerbil, but the giant beast squealed at him in a gerbilish fashion and flashed it's bucked teeth at him. He leapt back in fear. "Gah! That thing's teeth are bigger than me!"

"Help...me!" came the muffled cries of Tsl from beneath the massive rodent.

The gerbil, being a dumb rodent, promptly forgot that Drake had just threatened it and went about licking on it's tail, as gerbils are often observed doing.

Drake approached again, slowly this time, but the gerbil saw his movement from the corner of it's eye and went on the defensive again. Drake cursed ("d'oh!") and jumped behind a nearby bush.

***

Meanwhile, as all this gerbil trouble was going on, the three Wayne Gretzkys and John Cleese were having a philosophical discussion while Zappa napped on a nearby rock.

"So the story is nearing the end, eh?" observed Wayne Gretzky.

"Yeah, so there's no more trying for nominations," nodded Wayne Gretzky.

"That's too bad," said John Cleese. "Does this mean that if I make some terribly witty remark about old cheese and tiddly winks, I can't get a mention or two in the votes?"

"'Fraid not," said Wayne Gretzky sadly.

"And if I make terribly good use of a famous Star Wars quote, I can't be nominated?" asked Cleese.

"Nope," said Gretzky.

"Not even if I say something such as: Oh, I say, lovely moon carrots in the East, eh? I can't be nominated even then?" said Cleese.

"Moon carrots? What are you on?" demanded Wayne Gretzky.

"Yeah, that's no Star Wars quote!" added Wayne Gretzky.

Shortly thereafter the three Wayne Gretzkys attacked John Cleese.

"Help!" cried Cleese. "These Danish types are trying to steal my glory! Moon carrot! MOON CARROT, I SAY!"

[Drake 53]

Drake stood up from his place behind the bush. "Hmmm...I have an idea. An idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about..."

And then Drake's head exploded.

And then Drake walked in, in a new clone body.

"Hey! That's my thing!" shouted Beeurd.

Drake looked down at his body, which was now a Beeurd clone. "AHHHH!!"

And then Drake's head exploded.

And then Drake walked in, in a new clone body of himself and not Beeurd.

"Ahh, much better." said Drake.

"Umm...I'm still being squished here!" cried Tsl, from beneath the giant gerbil.

"Oh right. Sorry." Drake said. He lifted his hand and, with the Force, lifted the gerbil off Tsl.

"Huh" said Tsl, "Why didn't I think of that?" She stood up and dusted herself off.

Drake shrugged. "That's a very good question."

At that moment Sekot reappeared. "Hey guys."

"Oh hey, what's up?" asked Fett.

"You were kinda trailing off topic for a bit there. I'm here to set you back on track." Sekot grinned.

"Yay!" Cheered everyone.

"Speaking of off topic" began CorSec, "how about those Leafs?"

The Wayne Gretzkys...Gretzkies...more than one Gretzky looked up from beating on John Cleese. "Hockey, eh?"

"Beating people up with sticks is fun!" Prin said.

"I like explosives!" said Ender.

"Ahem!" Sekot interrupted. "You guys have the attention span of George W. Bush. Now...I just recently used that big hyperdrive shoved up my butt to take us to Coruscant or Yuuzhan'tar or whatever it's called at this point in the timeline. Anyway, the New Republic, Empire and Yuuzhan Vong have all made their way here and are currently landing troops on my surface in preparation for a huge battle that will result in the deaths of thousands of Gungans."

"Yay!" Cheered everyone.

"Now, I understand it that you all have to go back to some galaxy far, far away and a planet called Earth, right?" asked Sekot.

Everyone looked at eachother, confused then the memories came back to them.

"Oh yeah! I almost forgot!" said Drake. "Why do we have to go back? It's great here!"

Sekot turned to him. "Your arrival one year ago has caused serious disruptions in the Continuity Continuum. If you remain, the errors will create dangerous plotholes all across the galaxy that will soon destroy it!"

Everyone let out a collective gasp.

"Indeed" Sekot nodded. "I have, within my possesion, a method capable of returning you to wence you came! You must follow me quickly. The battle will start soon and I do not wish you to be caught in the middle of it!"

Then Sekot took off running across the field. The Psychos and Jedi all shrugged and followed.

[Princess 35]

Me post!

[Princess 35]

The Psychos were getting our of breath running after Sekot. JM stepped forward and asked "Um Sekot, we've passed this speck 10 times now. I think that we're running in circles."

"Nonsense. Just keep running. Just keep running."

Prin looked confused, "But I thought that we were here to save the galaxy from the evils of Shimmra. How are we supposed to do that if you're leading us away from the battle?"

"Um look, a shiny object!"

All of the Psychos looked away and Sekot ran the other way.

"Great, what are we supposed to do now," Beeurd wondered aloud

[Andy 60]

"Follow me...." A strange but somehow familiar voice said.

"Uhh... Okay!" Drake said, and began following in the direction of the mysterious voice.

Rogue pulled him back. "Hang on a minute! Shouldn't we be more cautious about following a strange but somehow familiar voice?"

"You're right!" Furday said, and started creeping after the voice.

Rogue pulled him back too. "No, I mean should we be following the voice at all? It could be some crazy lunatic who wants to kill us all or hand us over to the Vong or something."

"Hmm..." Chickenman stretched out into the Force. "I don't sense any danger. I think we should follow it."

"Follow me, dammit!" the voice said.

Rogue shruged and lead the Psycho's towards the voice.

* * * * *

Ten minutes later, they were locked in a giant cage being transported to somewhere.

"Geez, Rogue." Drake said, "I knew we shoudln't have followed that voice."

The cage stopped moving and their captor finally revealed himself... It was Beeuurd! Obviously, it had been a silly mistake to forget about the missing clone, who was a twisted and evil, well - twisteder and eviller - version of the Steadfast Officer.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" Beeuurd cackled.

"Oh, great." Beeurd said.

"Now, finally I can begin my plans for galactic domination!!" Beeuurd announced. "First I shall send you back to Earth, leaving me free to conquer the galaxy!"

Beeuurd pulled out a small device and pressed a button. A huge plothole formed before them. The Psycho's ooohed and aaahed.

"Now, all I have to do is push the cage into the uberplothole and you will all return to where you came from!" Beeuurd cackled with glee. "Bwahahahahahaha!!!!"

"Hey, can I have a look at that thing?" Drake asked Beeuurd.

"Yeah, sure." Beeuurd said, and handed it over.

"Oooh..." Drake said, reading the label, "Darth EU Continuity Error's Handy Plothole Creating Device"

"Yeah, cost me an arm and a leg to get that." Beeuurd sighed. "These ones are artificial."

"HA!" Drake shouted, and pressed a button and the cage dissapeared.

"Oh crap." Beeuurd cursed.

"May I?" asked Beeurd.

"Indeed." said Drake, and handed the device to the true Beeurd.

Beeurd pointed the plothole generator at his clone. "So long, you... you clone, you." He pressed the button, and it started raining flowers and everybody turned into snails. "Err... Okay okay... You do it, Drake."

"Eww... I'm all slimey!" Mara said, horrified.

"Way to go, Beeurd," Prin said.

Drake set out on a trek across the clearing towards the plothole generator. It was a few hours before he reached it, however, due to his new snailishness. First he put everything back to normal, then he pointed it at Beeuurd and pressed a button.

"Noooooo!" Beeuurd cried. "My beautiful plans for galactic domination!" then he faded out of existance.

"Yay!" said Tsl, who ran over and hugged Drake.

"I hope Beeuurd went back to Earth," Beeurd said, "because then he can go to work while I play games and chat online all day!"

"Now..." Drake said. "Time to get this crazy place back to normal... ish."

"We still need to sort out the Vong, and..." Furday shuddered as he spoke, "find Luke and de-Bozo him."

"That's easy!" Drake said happily. And pressed a few buttons and suddenly everything neccesary for ending the story was there beside them.

"Drake, you're a genious." Ender admitted, causing several Psychos to actually die of shock, but luckily the plothole device was there to revive them.

Edited November 13, 2004 by beeurd

[Drake 53]

"And now it's time to go home!" said Drake, holding his finger over the button on the plothole device that would send the Psychos back to Earth.

A voice came from behind them. "Nooooooooo! Do not leave without us! You are the Chosen One!"

Beeurd sighed. "Oh brother..."

Shimmra ran up with a group of Yuuzhan Vong Slayers. "Take us with you Chosen One! We wish to return with you to the Holy Realm!"

"Leave me alone!" Beeurd shouted. "I'm not your bloody Chosen One!"

"Really? Well...okay then." Shimmra shrugged.

"Tha...that was it? I'm not your Chosen One anymore?" asked Beeurd.

"Nope. You said the sacred word that was prophecied to be the one word that the Chosen One would never ever ever say." Shimmra explained. "You said it so you're obviously not the Chosen One."

"What...'bloody'?" Beeurd asked.

"Yup, that's the one. You said it twice now which makes me certain you are not the Chosen One."

"Oh, I see. Well that's good then" said Beeurd. "So...are you going to let us go now?"

Shimmra let out a long and insane laugh. "Of course not! Since you're not the Chosen One anymore, we're just going to kill you."

"Good going, B." muttered Drake.

"It's not my fault! They told me they fixed it! I trusted them!" wailed Beeurd.

"Uhh...whatever" said Shimmra. "So...yeah...Slayers, attack!"

The Slayers charged, amphistaffs before them. They screamed a battle cry of challenge.

The cry was answered.

Nomi snapped his leash and plucked Prin's lightsaber from her belt. He lept high into the air and landed behind the rushing warriors. Nomi stood to his full height, well over six feet now, and ignited the saber.

The Slayers stopped in their tracks and turned to face Nomi. They saw his Yuuzhan Vong features and then the lightsaber in his hand. They howled and charged him.

Nomi crouched as the Slayers neared. One of the warriors broke ahead and reached Nomi first. He was the first to fall. Nomi rolled out of the way and drove the energy blade into the side of the Slayer's neck.

The other Slayers circled around Nomi, ready to attack.

Nomi picked up the fallen Slayer's amphistaff and wielded it along with the lightsaber. He twirled both around in the faces of the Slayers.

The Psychos watched on with suprise, interest and awe. The most suprised was Prin.

"Well...he sure grew up fast" marveled Rogue.

"He's using fighting styles from both the Jedi and the Vong. Those Slayers don't stand a chance!" Drake said. "I'm just as suprised as any of you when I say that I'm sorta glad we didn't kill the kid....again."

At that point, Luke and Leia ran in. After having his nose removed, Luke once again returned to the Wimpy Side. With them were Han, Chewie and Bertha.

"Hmmm...looks like we came at a bad time" observed Han.

"Brilliant observation, Han. I'm glad you're here to tell us these things" said Luke.

Han became flustered. "Okay, first off; that's my line! And second...uhh...you made out with your sister!"

"Well you did it with men!" yelled Luke.

"Hey! Boys! Clam down! I want to see how this story ends." Leia said as she sat down in a recliner with some popcorn.

Meanwhile, Nomi continued to fight the Slayers. He spun, parried and struck with both lightsaber and amphistaff. In a few minutes, four Slayers lay dead and a few minutes after that, the rest fell.

The Psychos applauded.

Shimmra howled. "YOU WILL DIE ABOMINATION!"

Nomi gave a feral grin and walked towards Shimmra, weapons in hand. Ten more Slayers formed a circle around the Overlord. Nomi paused and turned to face the Psychos, specifically Prin.

He spoke. "Mother. You should go. I'll handle this."

"Bwahahaha!" cackled Shimmra. "Let's see you try!"

"Very well." Nomi coiled his amphistaff around his arm and deactivated his ligthsaber.

"FOOLISH MORTAL! YOU WILL DIE!" Shimmra boomed.

"I don't think so." Nomi raised his hands.

The Slayers surrounding Shimmra lifted from the ground.

Nomi closed his hands into fists.

The Slayers began to choke and claw at their throats. After a minute they died. Nomi lowered his hands. The Slayers fell in dead heaps around Shimmra.

"Very well, Abomination. I will kill you myself." Shimmra uncoiled his own massive amphistaff.

And then the time came for some comedic relief since the action had gone on too long without a break.

A purple cow, four pairs of jeans, an X-Box controller and a giant banana all appeared and did a little jig between Shimmra and Nomi. Then they disappeared.

And then the action began once again. Nomi and Shimmra charged one another.

"Well" said Drake as he held the plothole remote. "That's our cue to leave."

"I can't leave without Nomi!" cried Prin.

Beeurd shrugged. "He's as good as dead anyways. It's what everyone else would have wanted anyways. Besides, he's buying us time to escape."

"Well actually..." started Drake "He really didn't have to. I could've just pressed the button at any time."

At this point I, the Narrator, declared that the post was getting too long and should be ended soon since most of the readers have probably lost attention anyway.

"Farewell sweet Star Wars!" said Drake and then he pushed the button.

After a moment...

"Hmm...looks like the batteries died. Anyone have some AA's on them?"

"Uhh...I think I have some here" said Beeurd. He popped open the back of his lightsaber and took out the batteries. He gave them to Drake.

"Thanks." Drake put the new batteries in the plothole generator. "Let's try this dance again."

Drake pressed the button again. This time it worked and a bright light surrounded all of the Psychos. They were instantly teleported through time and space back to Earth.

At that point, with the departure of the Psychopathic Jedi, all of the loose ends in the Plot became tied and the story ended. So sayeth the Narrator.