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MsSolo

Random Rant and venting thread for general or specific rage

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Radioactive Isotope

i think you missed the part where it's been raining for TWO WEEKS. if i could send you some of it, i gladly would.

i can haz sunshein?

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Bad furday

*taunts* Jm can't cook! :p ;)

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Radioactive Isotope

actually, JM cooks very well, TYVM. :p

my sister on the other hand.....

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Mara

I'd rather have rain, than snow.

But then again, tomorrow it's supposed to be around 50 and rain... and then with all the snow and ice, flooding. Woo.

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Princess

Gotta love Michigan weather. Here comes another sinus infection.

And damn food poisioning on the 23rd

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Andy

What did you go and get food poisoning for? lol

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Princess

Because I totally felt like kneeling over the toilet and dry heaving

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Princess

I hate Michigan. Yesterday it was 50* and raining. Today it's 30*, windy as hell, and the wind woke me up at 4:30 and made it really hard to go back to sleep

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Radioactive Isotope

Kentucky's got the same thing going on. 70* down to 5* a week or so ago was NOT pleasant AT ALL. apparently, we're a battleground for the warm and cold fronts, and whichever happens to be stronger at the moment controls the temperature. i wish Mother Nature would make up her frikkin mind already.

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Mara

Couldn't sleep at all Saturday night/early Sunday morning because of the wind. Especially when the power went out and my room was a lot darker than I'm used to, and it got really cold.

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TheUnknown

If I drank, I would be drunk right now.

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Drake

Something troubling you, Unknown?

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Uncle Du

I can drink for you....

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Andy

No, let me drink for you!

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TheUnknown

  Drake said:
Something troubling you, Unknown?

Yep.

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Uncle Du

Hope everything is ok.

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Radioactive Isotope

my wallet went missing yesterday. i pulled it out to get some cash for a cafeteria run, and i can't remember if i put it back in my purse or just set it down. all my cards have been cancelled and new ones are in the mail. i've also got the hospital security's direct line to call Monday to see if it's turned up. i doubt it will. i'm not really concerned about credit cards, my license and store discount cards as those are easily replaced. but it was a cool wallet and i had some stuff in there i can't replace. pics of friends i'm not in touch with and stuff like that. so i'd really love for the wallet to turn up even if my credit cards and money are gone. someone got my husband and i matching temple recommend holders, and of course mine was in my wallet. replacing the recommend itself is somewhat more of a pain since i have to go through an interview process, but i haven't been able to find the specific holder i had anywhere online. that's really the only thing i want back. everything else is replaceable. *mope*

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TheUnknown

That sucks, JM. I hope it all works out.

  Du said:
Hope everything is ok.

If you go to my Facebook profile, you see a much more succinct version of my thoughts.

It's gotten better. Basically, all of the unresolved issues of my life came to a head, mixed in with some concerns over my finances (I was out of work for a month) and some loneliness (again, away from work and broke, so my contact with my friends was more limited). I essentially had a crisis of confidence, some identity crisis, with some self pity and self loathing mixed in. I'm starting to think I have adult ADD. I have trouble starting projects, staying on task, finishing tasks, organizing (you won't see it, but as I write this, there are several lines after this part, several with unfinished sentences). I found the diagnosis criteria suggested by one association. I lot of it I met.

I started the break trying to finish up an assignment. Every ewoking semester, I end up feeling like I could of done better, that that B would have been A with just a little bit more of the effort I can't seem to come up with or that I would actually remember something. Just like I know the way I act around people is aloof or that the things I'm saying don't sound right, but damnit, I just can't stop it. It's like some emotional Tourette's.

I also don't know where I'm going professionally. I'm close to graduating, but I've wondered several times if I have it in me to go through grad school. On the flip side, I'm not sure what I would really want to do should grad school not happen. I fear the real world and feel that I'm limited, not by the demand for my degree, but by myself. Not only that, but I've come to the conclusions that the things I thought I would be aren't going to happen.

I spent several days wondering if I'm a good person. I've wondered if I've just been sanctimonious to cover up for my own guilt.

I've also thought long and hard about my future romantic life. I have none. One of my best friends proposed to his girlfriend over the break. I'm happy for them. I love him dearly and his fiance is nice, but I've literally looked at the picture on Facebook of him proposing and cried. Because that's something I won't have. I won't have the girlfriend half-laughing and half-crying while the father-in-law-to-be smiles in the background. It took my quite a while to even be able to say the words "I'm gay" even in my head. I'm not that much farther beyond that. I'm not out to anyone in the real world. It's not that I think they'd completely disown me, but I know that, even how much they love me, there would still be something unspoken (at least to me) but still noticeable in their eyes or in the way they act toward me. And the thing is, there is still a part of me that is repulsed by gay men. It sucks to be gay and, to some extent, homophobic. And it's not only that, I'm just so damn shy that I don't even know where to begin.

I've also worried that I'm going to go off somewhere only to come back and see that everything as left me behind or that I will lose my mind away from my friends and family.

I've wondered if it's possible for anyone to be happy and if it's possible for me to be happy. I've been feeling like I've gotten shafted by life, that my life is a bust. Did I have to have a father that died when I was five AND the epiphany that had it not happened, so many people I love would not be in my love because my mother would not have remarried and we wouldn't had moved? Did I have to have a mother who became a shrill, nagging b**** that was pushing me a way and then have the same one become someone I feel I can't leave? Did I have to become homeless and live in seedy motels for a while? Did I really need to be as shy and introverted as I am AND still instinctively push people away? Did I have to be afraid of death AND life? Why the hell did I get so damn much that has gone wrong? Can something go right? You could say that my intelligence has been something that's gone right, but if I can't find the will to parlay into something, what good is it?

I worry that I'm looking at a lifetime of loneliness and unhappiness that culminates in the thing that scares me so much I literally go into a panic when I think about it: death. I feel like there is so much wrong and I either don't really know how to fix it or do but can't do it.

I need a shrink. I think I really do.

Edited by TheUnknown

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Andy

  Radioactive Isotope said:
all my cards have been cancelled

Incidentally, I've always found it slightly amusing that if your card gets lost or stolen you have to call the number that is on the back of the card you no longer have... :p

  TheUnknown said:
It took my quite a while to even be able to say the words "I'm gay" even in my head. I'm not that much farther beyond that. I'm not out to anyone in the real world. It's not that I think they'd completely disown me, but I know that, even how much they love me, there would still be something unspoken (at least to me) but still noticeable in their eyes or in the way they act toward me. And the thing is, there is still a part of me that is repulsed by gay men. It sucks to be gay and, to some extent, homophobic. And it's not only that, I'm just so damn shy that I don't even know where to begin.

There isn't an easy way to come out to most people, but you do have to reconcile it with yourself first. I can only speak from my own experience and it is different for everyone, but coming out to my friends was easy. Coming out to my parents was nearly the hardest thing I have ever had to do second only to coming out to myself. Society has attached so much stigma on homosexuality that it does create a lot of doubt in your mind. But, it's something you have to work on yourself... You could see a psychologist or whatever you call them over there, but I'm guessing you'd have to pay unlike over here.

Interesting you should say about death being a big fear, because it's not quite like that for me. I'm not scared of my own death (maybe I will be when it comes along, lol) but I'm terrified of other people dying. I guess you could say my biggest fear is aloneness. Hmm...

Edited by Andy

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Radioactive Isotope

  Andy said:
  Radioactive Isotope said:
all my cards have been cancelled

Incidentally, I've always found it slightly amusing that if your card gets lost or stolen you have to call the number that is on the back of the card you no longer have... :p

haha, yeah, i love how when i called the bank to cancel the cards, they asked me if i knew my account number. uh, it was on my card, which i no longer have. Rob took care of the Discover card for me since i didn't have access to their phone number.

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Chickenman

  TheUnknown said:
It's gotten better. Basically, all of the unresolved issues of my life came to a head, mixed in with some concerns over my finances (I was out of work for a month) and some loneliness (again, away from work and broke, so my contact with my friends was more limited). I essentially had a crisis of confidence, some identity crisis, with some self pity and self loathing mixed in. I'm starting to think I have adult ADD. I have trouble starting projects, staying on task, finishing tasks, organizing (you won't see it, but as I write this, there are several lines after this part, several with unfinished sentences). I found the diagnosis criteria suggested by one association. I lot of it I met.

Self diagnosis is tricky at best. First of all, you're not trained enough to really know, and secondly, you've got your own fears pushing you towards the diagnoses. I convinced myself I had social anxiety disorder, because I wished so desperately to be the popular guy, I wanted more friends than I could count, but I was shy. Therefore, I must have this disorder! Turns out it was simple shyness. But if you feel like you have ADD, it might be a good idea to get tested. The psych I went to told me I had ADD instead of SAD (and, given my belief that psychs today prescribe medication far too frequently than people actually need it, who knows?) I will say that the ADD meds I took for a time (before I just started throwing them in the trash. The pharmaceutical industry is bulls***. :p) helped me focus, and while they didn't make me feel better, they helped me to not feel worse. I might not have passed Senior Year if not for my pills. If you're concerned you might really have it, I'd get tested, just to see the results and look at your options. You've got everything to gain, really.

  TheUnknown said:
Just like I know the way I act around people is aloof or that the things I'm saying don't sound right, but damnit, I just can't stop it. It's like some emotional Tourette's.

Sounds a lot like something I've felt as well. Like I sometimes feel like I don't think the same way as other people do. I've started to find it's a social thing, and gets better with time. :???:

  TheUnknown said:
I also don't know where I'm going professionally. I'm close to graduating, but I've wondered several times if I have it in me to go through grad school. On the flip side, I'm not sure what I would really want to do should grad school not happen. I fear the real world and feel that I'm limited, not by the demand for my degree, but by myself. Not only that, but I've come to the conclusions that the things I thought I would be aren't going to happen.

Don't ever come to that conclusion. If you don't believe, even only a little, that what you're striving for is even slightly possible, then you're going to get yourself caught in a circle where things don't work out because you don't expect them to, and you don't expect them to because things never work out. You gotta find something within yourself, or something out there in the future, and latch onto it. You've just got to believe in yourself, as hard as it is to do. And it's not an easy task, but it's worth it to try.

  TheUnknown said:
I've also thought long and hard about my future romantic life. I have none. One of my best friends proposed to his girlfriend over the break. I'm happy for them. I love him dearly and his fiance is nice, but I've literally looked at the picture on Facebook of him proposing and cried. Because that's something I won't have. I won't have the girlfriend half-laughing and half-crying while the father-in-law-to-be smiles in the background. It took my quite a while to even be able to say the words "I'm gay" even in my head. I'm not that much farther beyond that. I'm not out to anyone in the real world. It's not that I think they'd completely disown me, but I know that, even how much they love me, there would still be something unspoken (at least to me) but still noticeable in their eyes or in the way they act toward me. And the thing is, there is still a part of me that is repulsed by gay men. It sucks to be gay and, to some extent, homophobic. And it's not only that, I'm just so damn shy that I don't even know where to begin.

I can imagine coming out may be one of the toughest things a guy can do, so it's definitely something to not take lightly, and definitely something to not rush into. But I feel it has to be worth it in the long run. As for the shyness, that's something that comes with practice. You've gotta be willing to push yourself a little each day. It's a lot like jumping off a high dive. Take the leap before you know what you're doing, and by the time you realize it, it's too late, you've taken the leap and have to ride it out. You've just got to be willing to push yourself. As for the proposal thing, you never know. You'll probably have the boyfriend half laughing and half crying instead of the girlfriend, true. And you don't know about the father-in-law. Homosexuality is more accepted now than its ever been in modern history and people's attitudes toward it is always improving. The youth especially are seeing how bulls*** homophobia is, and, well...the old folks are dying. I'd say most parents try to be proud of their children no matter what, and eventually come around to accept their son and be happy for him. Again, not always the case, but acceptance is getting better.

  TheUnknown said:
I've wondered if it's possible for anyone to be happy and if it's possible for me to be happy. I've been feeling like I've gotten shafted by life, that my life is a bust. Did I have to have a father that died when I was five AND the epiphany that had it not happened, so many people I love would not be in my love because my mother would not have remarried and we wouldn't had moved? Did I have to have a mother who became a shrill, nagging b**** that was pushing me a way and then have the same one become someone I feel I can't leave? Did I have to become homeless and live in seedy motels for a while? Did I really need to be as shy and introverted as I am AND still instinctively push people away? Did I have to be afraid of death AND life? Why the hell did I get so damn much that has gone wrong? Can something go right? You could say that my intelligence has been something that's gone right, but if I can't find the will to parlay into something, what good is it?

I worry that I'm looking at a lifetime of loneliness and unhappiness that culminates in the thing that scares me so much I literally go into a panic when I think about it: death. I feel like there is so much wrong and I either don't really know how to fix it or do but can't do it.

I need a shrink. I think I really do.

Then go see a shrink. Don't feel like there's a stigma to it. It sounds like you really need to talk to someone who's qualified to help you through this, so I definitely recommend it. Just make sure you see a psychiatrist, not a psychologist. Psychologists apparently are the ones that hand out meds, and seem to think that's the solution for everything. The Psych, however, tries to work with you. Good luck. :)

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Andy

  Chickenman said:
Just make sure you see a psychiatrist, not a psychologist. Psychologists apparently are the ones that hand out meds, and seem to think that's the solution for everything. The Psych, however, tries to work with you. Good luck. :)

Other way around. :p

Basically put (I'm sure someone will correct me if I'm wrong):

Psychologists are doctors of psychology (the study of), while psychiatrists are doctors who specialised in psychiatry (the medical treatment of).

There are exceptions to the rule, but in general psychologists cannot prescribe medication.

I saw a clinical psychologist for a short while a few years back, I spoke to my GP and he referred me. It was pretty easy, but of course I don't know how the proper procedure goes over there.

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Chickenman

Damn it. I had a feeling I was wrong, lol.

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TheUnknown

Great. Just ewoking great. I was getting things ready and now get even more great news, as if I needed more to worry about.

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Chickenman

:(

What's wrong?

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