How To Drive In Michigan And Detroit

[Princess 35]

Michigan Driving Rules:

1) Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Michigan driver never uses them.

2) Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3) Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered going with the flow.

4) The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

5) Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign.No one expects it, and it will result in you being rear ended.If you want your insurance company to pay for a new rear bumper, come to a complete stop at all stop signs.

6) A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.

7) Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. Michigan is a no-fault insurance state and the other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

8) Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

9) Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.

10) Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in Michigan during rush hour.

11) Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Michigan driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

12) Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in Michigan.

13) Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.

14) Learn to swerve abruptly. Michigan is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to the State Highway Department, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

15) It is traditional in Michigan to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.

16) Never take a green light at face value.Always look right and left before proceeding. (See Rule #4)

And 22 Rules to Driving in Metro Detroit (Which also apply in most of the rest of the state, note the overlapping rules)

1. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting construction barrels.

2. Turn signals are just clues as to your next move in road battle so never use them.

3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you no matter how fast you're going. If you do, the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

4. Large SUV drivers think they're immortal, (especially if they have 4WD); don't succumb to the temptation to test this theory.

5. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

6. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work. (Remember no-fault insurance, he might not have much to lose, you do.)

7. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your ABS kicks in giving a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.

8. Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the exit before the traffic begins to back up.

9.The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information, just to make Detroit look high-tech. (These are in the GR area also)

10. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.

11. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.

12. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Detroit driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

13. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in Detroit.

14. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even a person changing a tire. It might be more interesting than the articles in last week's National Enquirer.

15. Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape, keeps the existing litter from getting lonely and gives Adopt-a-highway crews something to clean up.

16.Everyone thinks their vehicle is better than yours, (especially pickup truck drivers with stickers of Calvin peeing on a Ford, Dodge or Chevy logo.)

17. Learn to swerve abruptly. Detroit is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to MDOT, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

18. It is traditional in Detroit to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes. This is a drag race isn't it?

19. When the light turns green, put the pedal to the metal; gas is cheap in Michigan, pollution is a myth, and this is a drag race isn't it?

20. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.

21. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.

22. Remember that the goal of every Detroit driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

[Pandora 77]

:lol:

Here's some for Memphis:

1. Turn signals when changing lanes are optional. most drivers prefer to wait until they've already moved over to hit the signal so it flashes just once.

2. Semi drivers are your friends. Cops are not.

3. On I-40, there are two lanes throughout most of the state. The right-hand lane goes no more than 10mph under the speed limit, the left lane no less than 15 over. If you want to drive the speed limit, try the shoulder.

4. At 7:30 am, 2:30 pm, and 9:30 pm, the shelby county police department has a shift change. If you are headed east towards Nashville and plan to pass the Arlington Exit, stay in the right-hand lane. You will be run over by tired and hungry cops on their way to Howard's Donuts.

5. If there is some jerk riding your tail behind you and you can't tell what kind of vehicle it is because of his headlights, relax. It's just a cop. You have about fourteen seconds to move out of his way. The government pays for his car, not yours.

6. If you want to get anywhere in Memphis between 3:30 pm and 7:30 pm, especially during basketball season, cancel your appointment. You'll never make it.

7. Stop signs are decoration.

8. Yellow lights don't mean to slow down. They mean go faster so it looks like you weren't really running a red light when you get T-boned by the jerk pulling the same stunt from another direction.

9. Do not speed in Bartlett. Ever. The speed limit changes abruptly when you enter the city limits, and the bartlett police ARE lying in wait, and they WILL catch you for doing two over the limit.

10. Racing cops home is perfectly acceptible, as long as it is during their shift change, and they've seen your car before.

11. racing an ambulance home is perfectly fine too.

12. Chasing an ambulance is a great way to get around traffic.

13. Firetrucks work for the same purpose.

14. Honking your horn "is fightin' words."

15. A white person from the suburbs with county plates on their luxury SUV should always be on their best driving behavior while in Downtown Memphis, Raleigh, parts of Millington, Chapel Hill, or Hickory Ridge (aka, "Hick'ry Hood"). The slightest sound from the horn, motion of the finger, or flashing of the high beams will get you in an accident, and will get you assaulted. Always lock doors in these areas.

16. I-40 not only connects Memphis with Nashville, but is the favorite highway for hobos to walk on. You are free to show your displeasure of hobos by yelling out the window, holding up ready-made signs, shooting them the bird, or honking your horn angrily at them. It's okay, they're used to it. Rednecks are republicans, and rednecks live on the outskirts of Memphis. Bunches of them.

How to tell where a driver is from without their plates:

1. If it is an older model pickup truck sporting one of the following, the driver is a redneck from Arlington: rust, camoflauge, rebel flag, gun rack, freshly-killed deer hanging out the back. (write down their license plate number, I probably know them)

2. If the vehicle is unbelievably shiney and clean, and looks very expensive (Hummer-not H2-Lincoln, Chrystler, Lexus) or is just plain big and flashy (the convertibles that look like boats, a Nissan Armada-nice truck, btw-and older model Sequoia with a all the extras) the driver is from Germantown. Their house probably cots them no less than $300,000. And that's pushing it.

3. If it is a delapedated sedan with a hand-written sign on a used piece of paper that says "stolen tags" they are from orange mound. Try to get them to stop. They probably have cheap drugs.

4. If it is a large pickup, such as a Ford F-250 crew cab, or an F-350 diesel (but REALLY nice and new and clean) then they are wealthy rednecks from Arlington. I probably know them too.

5. If it is a mini van or other safe and affordable SUV that seats six+ people pluse a child seat, and you can see more than two children in the back, the driver is most probably female, and she probably lives in Collierville or Lakeland. The kids are probably late for some sports activity.

6. If it looks older than it is, and is a sedan, the drive lives inside the Metropolitan area.

7. Tf the person is doing the speed limit, they are from another state.

8. If the person is driving erratically, the driver is probably drunk, and probably a teenage boy that goes to my school. I probably know him.

2.

[chozen 1]

Here's some for London:

Don't thin about driving, just take the bus.

Edited June 22, 2004 by Chozen

[GI_Admiral 2]

hahaha Prin...so true

I am perfect example of Michigan Driver :cool:

[chozen 1]

wow. they actually let koreans drive these days?

[GI_Admiral 2]

Yeah back in the ol' days, Koreans used to be carried around because we're so obviously smarter than everyone else...including those brits. But these days they got those damn equal rights.

[chozen 1]

:lol:

In the old days you use to be foot rubbers. :p

[GI_Admiral 2]

In the ol' days, we used to kill british heretics....like yourself....Im thinking of ressurecting the ol' days :twisted:

[Andy 60]

:lol:

Poor GI... :p

[chozen 1]

:lol: Ah.. You rub my foot slave, then we'll see. :p

Edited June 22, 2004 by Chozen

[GI_Admiral 2]

We'll see in a few years when you become my slave :p

[Bushy 0]

Most of those things are true here in suburban NJ too. Crazy people. I got a few to add though... Since I live right near a HUGE retirement village

Senior Citizens' Guide to Driving

1.) Never, NEVER use your turn signal. Just drift randomly from lane to lane...

2.) ALWAYS go 20 MPH under the speed limit. Wouldn't want to hurt those poor lil squirrels.

3.) When pulling out onto the highway, wait until you have a very large opening, then wait till the car that was previously about 3 miles away is about 20 feet from you, then ease out slowly so that the other car has to swerve into the other lane to avoid t-boning you.

4.) Insist on doing only the speed limit in the left lane.

5.) Randomly make stops in the middle of the road. For no reason. Don't ask questions, just do it.

6.) When trying to pull out onto a busy road and make a left, wait till the right lane is clear, then pull halfway out and wait for the other lane to clear, this way you don't have to wait for both lanes to be clear at once!

7.) Make sure you lower your seat all the way to the floor, so that only your eyes peep out over the steering wheel. This is intimidating, especially to those youngsters in their newfangled street rods.

[Princess 35]

hahaha Prin...so true

I am perfect example of Michigan Driver

Dude, driver's in Lansing are nuts!

[TheUnknown 39]

:rofl:

Well, it's apparent that suburban Atlanta isn't the only place where idiots operate vehicles. Which is also a bad thing because it means there's no excape.

And here's the guide for Atlanta:

Atlanta is composed mostly of one way streets. The only way to get out of downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over when you reach Greenville, South Carolina. All directions start with, "Go down Peachtree..." and include the phrase, "When you see the Waffle House..." Except that it Cobb County, all directions begin with, "Go to the Big Chicken and..." (The Big Chicken is a giant wooden chicken built onto

the roof of a Kentucky Fried Chicken.)

Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end and is not to be confused with Peachtree Creek, Peachtree Circle, Peachtree Place, Peachtree Lane, Peachtree Road, Peachtree Parkway, Peachtree Run, Peachtree Trace, Peachtree Ave., Peachtree Commons, Peachtree Battle, Peachtree Corners, New Peachtree, Old Peachtree, or Peachtree Industrial Boulevard.

Altantans only know their way to work and their way home. If you ask anyone for directioins they will always send you down Peachtree.

Atlantas do not believe in turn signals. You will never see a native signal at a stoplight, to change lanes, or to merge. Never!

Atlanta is the home of Coca-Cola. That's all we drink here (I drink Pepsi), so don't ask for any other soft drink, unless it's made by Coca-Cola. And even then, it's still "Coke."

Gate One at Atlanta's Hartsfield Airport is 32 miles away from the Main Concourse so wear sneakers and pack a lunch. The doors on the trains in the airport do not reopen like an elevator if you stick your hand out. And, they hurt.

It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on the street you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls it a "scenic drive" and has posted signs to that effects so that out-of-towners don't feel lost...they're just on a "scenic drive."

The 8 AM rush hour is from 6:30 AM to 10:30 AM. The 5:00 PM rush hour is from 3:30 to 7:30 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday afternoon and lasts through 2:00 AM Saturday.

Do not plan to visit Atlanta during Freaknik. Even if you make it off the freeway into the city, you won't be able to go anywhere and you may never find a way out again.

Reversible lanes are not understood by anybody especially those of us who live here. Stay out of them unless you are looking for a head-on collision.

"Sir" and "Ma'am" are used by the person speaking to you if there's a remote possibility that you're at least 30 minutes older than they are. "Sugar" is a more common form of address than "Miss." So is "Sweetpea." "Honey" is always used by Waffle House waitresses.

Ponce de Leon Avenue can only be pronouced by a native, so do not attempt the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you. (The Atlanta pronunication is "pahnss duh LEE-on.")

The falling of one rain drop causes all drivers to immediately forget all traffic rules; so will daylight savings time, a girl applying eye shadow in the next car, or a flat tire three lanes over (Atlanta is the rubber-neck capital). If a single snowflake falls, the city is paralyzed for three days and it's on all the channels as a newsflash every 15 minutes for a month. All the grocery stores will be sold out of milk, bread, bottled water, toilet paper, and beer if there is a remote chance of snow, and if it does snow, people will be on the corner selling "I survived the blizzard" T-shirts.

If you're standing on a corner and a MARTA bus stops, you're expected to get on and go somewhere.

It is always Smog Alert Day.

Construction on Peachtree Street is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment, especially when a water line is tapped and Atlant's version of Old Faithful erupts. Construction crews aren't doing their job properly unless they close down all lanes except one during rush hour.

Atlantans are very proud of our racetrack, known as Road Atlanta. It winds throughout the city on the Interstates, hence its name. Actually, I-285, the loop that encircles Atlanta and has a posted speed limit of 55 mph (but you have to maintain 80 mph just to keep from getting run over), is known as "The Watermelon 500." Georgia 400 is our equivalent of the Autobahn. You will rarely see a semi-truck on GA 400, because even the truck drivers are intimidated by the oversized SUV-wielding housewives racing home after a greuling day at the salon or the tennis match to meet their children at the school bus coming home from the college prep preschool.

The pollen count is off the national scale for unhealthy which starts at 120. Atlanta is usually in the 2,000 to 4,000 range. All roads, vehicles, houses, etc., are yellow from March 28th to July 15th. If you have allergies, you will die.

The last thing you want to do is give another driver the finger, unless your car is armored, you trigger finger is itchy and your AK-47 has a full clip

Hey, but other than that, it's a great place to live!

Edited June 22, 2004 by TheUnknown

[CorSec 5]

:rofl:

[Bushy 0]

The pollen count is off the national scale for unhealthy which starts at 120. Atlanta is usually in the 2,000 to 4,000 range. All roads, vehicles, houses, etc., are yellow from March 28th to July 15th. If you have allergies, you will die.

Note to self: Stay as far away from Atlanta as possible...

[GI_Admiral 2]

Prin: YOu get used to the potholes after a while :p

[Pandora 77]

"Sir" and "Ma'am" are used by the person speaking to you if there's a remote possibility that you're at least 30 minutes older than they are. "Sugar" is a more common form of address than "Miss." So is "Sweetpea." "Honey" is always used by Waffle House waitresses.

That's just a southern thang. "Darling" is the one most used around here.., but it's pronounced "Darlwlen". And if you're a remotely pretty girl in the right part of town, some confused redneck WILL hang out of the side of his truck, and you WILL be called "baby" or "honey".

[Princess 35]

Prin: YOu get used to the potholes after a while

I call the drive between Ferris and home the "Pothole 500"

And to all you people that think driving in snow is the end of the world, try driving in white out conditions while everything surrounding you is closed but you still have to get somewhere and get uphill in order to do it in a little rear wheel drive car

[CorSec 5]

Snow? Obviously us Canadians know nothing of snow...or driving in it.

[Tsl 7]

Lol, yeah...it never snows in Ohio :roll:

[GI_Admiral 2]

It only snows in Michigan...cause we're l33t

[Princess 35]

I was talking to people that live down south, like Pod and Unknown. :p

[Bushy 0]

Driving in the snow with a RWD car is not the safest thing to do... But loads of fun. Before I got my new car, I used to take my BMW (RWD) out into the retirement village with a snowshovel, shovel snow, and go flying around the streets, drifting, skidding, fishtailing, donuts, etc. etc.. My new car's a FWD though, so I can't do any of that stuff any more .

[Radioactive Isotope 29]

I was talking to people that live down south, like Pod and Unknown.

hey, i'm from the South too. and we had snow days last year.

dang, some of these driving rules apply in Kentucky. scary :nerves:

Edited June 26, 2004 by Country Girl