Ongoing Comedy 4: Captain Continuity And The Canon Crusaders!

[Drake 53]

Plot:

Upon returning to Earth after their adventure in the Star Wars Universe, the Psychopathic Jedi find themselves in a changed world where the Expanded Universe is different...darker and disturbing. After some research they discover that, after Return of the Jedi, a new Sith Lord quickly rose to power, crushing all resistance and achieving galactic domination in the span of only a few short novels. Calling himself Emperor Infinity, this new villian is more powerful than Palpatine ever was. Using his army, the Infinity Legion, the Emperor seems invincible.

But there is one man who can bring him down...

Characters:

Dead

Unknown

Alive

Our Heroes:

Captain Continuity - An original character created by George Lucas for the sole purpose of defeating Darth EU Continuity Error. He's just like a superhero with a cape, mask and spandex suit. He can use the Force and a lightsaber and is impervious to continuity errors. He is the leader of the Canon Crusaders.

Mace Windu - The baddest Jedi Master in history. Mace was taken from his time, at the Battle of Geonosis, by Captain Continuity. He weilds a badass purple lightsaber. Mace is a member of the Canon Crusaders.

Yoda - Mean and green. Yoda was the head of the Jedi Council in the Prequel days. He is the greatest lightsaberist in all of the galaxy. Yoda is a member of the Canon Crusaders.

Jango Fett - Bounty hunter extraordinaire whose DNA grew the legendary Boba. Jango knows a lot about guns and even more about explosives. He is a member of the Canon Crusaders.

Exar Kun - The anti-hero of the Canon Crusaders. Exar was taken from his time long ago in the golden age of the Sith. His pride often gets him into squabbles with the Jedi members of the team.

R2-D2 - A little robot with a big mechanical heart. Prequel Artoo was taken from before the changes in the timeline. He was also given a voice translator that allows everyone to hear him when he speaks his mind. Artoo is a member of the Canon Crusaders.

George Lucas - The creator of Star Wars. In this reality, Lucas was overthrown by the fans and the creators of the Infinities. He was living as a hobo when he approached the Psychopathic Jedi with a mission to save our world and the galaxy far, far away...

The Villains:

Darth EU Continuity Error - This super villain has somehow managed to go back in time to the end of RotJ and take over the galaxy. His continuity errors have caused Star Wars fans worldwide to become seduced to the Infinities Side.

Darth Fanboy - An apprentice to Emperor Infinity. He was in charge of a Gungan attack against continuity at Theed. He was vanquished by the Canon Crusaders when they appeared to restore the timeline. Fanboy was sent to the Abyss to remain there for all eternity. However, he escaped with Darth Doogie Howser, MD and sought revenge on the Crusaders for killing him.

Darth Doogie Howser, MD - Apprentice to Emperor Infinity and spawn of horrible television. The Crusaders first met him after Fanboy's attack on Theed. Howser was killed when Jango won The Apprentice. Fett shot him in the head...and then again in the head. Darth Doogie was sent to the Abyss but later escaped with Darth Fanboy.

Jango's Mom - Overbearing, overprotective and overloving mother of Jangordonathon Ezekial Emmanuel Alfred Albert Roland Randolph Maximillian Fett-Mountbatten, Jr...or just Jango Fett for short. Mrs. Fett-Mountbatten held young Jango within her dark castle until, finally, he managed to escape her clutches.

Error - Son of Leia Fel-Skywalker and Luke Kenobi-Jinn-Skywalker. Error was a mutated baby, a result of inbreeding and the effects of randomly changing continuity. When the Crusaders met with Luke and Leia, Darth EU sent two black cats and changed little baby Error into a ten-foot tall monster. The Crusaders managed to elude Error by hiding in a tunnel but they were soon found and sealed inside.

Darth Sillyous - A Sith Lord trained by Darth EU Continuity Error himself. Sillyous captured the Crusaders in merry old England and challenged them to a dance-off in Dance Dance Revolution: Galactic Edition. Mace, Artoo and Yoda defeated the Dark Lord. Yoda killed Sillyous when he threw his pimped out walking stick through the Sith's chest.

Notable Organizations

The Canon Crusaders - A group of characters taken from points in the Star Wars saga that took place before the continuity changes. They were assembled to help Captain Continuity defeat Darth EU Continuity Error and correct the changes to the storyline. The Canon Crusaders are made up of the following members: Mace Windu, Yoda, Jango Fett, Exar Kun, and (prequel) R2-D2.

Infinity Legion - The special forces and elite soldiers of Darth EU Continuity Error. These devious minions do most of DEUCE's dirty work. They also serve as commanders of his star fleets.

The Dogma - A shadowy group of radicals whose mission it is to enforce strict continuity and order in all things. They are dangerous to everyone and should be watched out for.

The Abyss - Not so much of an organization as it is a place. The Abyss is where the characters created by the Psychopathic Jedi are created, and it's where pre-existing Star Wars characters that have been altered are altered. It is also the place where these characters are sent when they're no longer needed.

ATTENTION: The characters of the Psychopathic Jedi will NOT be playing roles in the story. They will only be in the first and last posts and will, possibly, make small cameos at random points in the story.

Edited May 28, 2005 by Drake

[Drake 53]

Hundreds of people milled about a large auditorium. There were rows upon rows of booths and tables. Merchandise was for sale and fans bought into it. Many people were dressed as assorted aliens and characters. This was one big nerd-fest. It was a Star Wars convention. But it wasn't just any Star Wars convention. This was Celebration III.

In the middle of the auditorium, a bright white light appeared. When it died away, a heap of bodies could be seen on the floor. They were none other than the Psychopathic Jedi, returned to Earth after their recent adventures in the Galaxy Far, Far Away.

The pile of Psychos grumbled and groaned.

"Ow" muttered Drake. "That was some trip."

Beeurd groaned. "No kidding. Now, could you get off of me!"

"Oh right. Sorry." Drake rolled off Beeurd and down the side of the pile. He came to a stop as he bumped into a pair of webbed feet. He looked up and saw the ugly face of a Gungan.

"Are yousa okie day?" The Gungan asked.

"AHH! Die fiend!" Drake shot to his feet and quickly activated his lightsaber. The blade extended. He swung it around at the Gungan's neck. And then, to Drake's horror, the blade didn't cut.

The Gungan rolled his eyes and pushed away the plastic blade. "Look, buddy. We're all fellow nerds here. If you want to dual, we can take it outside."

"Uhh..." Drake looked down at his toy lightsaber. "Damned reality!"

By now the other Psychos have gotten up. There was also a fairly large crowd of costumed people gathering around them.

"By the Force! Are you guys okay?" A man dressed as a stormtrooper asked.

"I think so" said Drake. "Psychos, role call."

"Executive Officer here" replied Beeurd.

"Stead Leader reporting for duty" said Princess.

And the role call went on down the ranks, through the Steadfast and Green squadrons.

"Yeah, that's everyone. Where are we?" asked Drake.

The stormtrooper laughed. "Isn't it obvious? You're at Celebration III!"

The Psychos gasped.

"Hurrah! No buying plane tickets for me!" Beeurd shouted with glee.

"Who are you guys?" The stormtrooper asked.

"We are the Psychopathic Jedi! The craziest Star Wars fans this side of the Rishi Maze!" Drake announced proudly. "I'm the Commander. My name is Mike but you can call me Drake."

"Cool" said the stormtrooper. He took off his helmet and held out his hand. "I'm Brien...but you can call me James T Skywalker."

Drake grinned and shook his hand. "JTS! Nice to finally meet you. You probably don't remember me but I was at JPL back when it was on the starwars.com forums."

JTS looked confused. "JPL? Never heard of it. I havn't even joined the Star Wars forums. Waste of time, in my opinion."

Now the Psychos were confused.

"But how can you say that? You're a moderator there!" said Prin.

"Look lady, you must have me mistaken for someone else. I've never been on those forums before and I never will."

Drake raised his eyebrow. "Yeah, that's it. We must be mistaken. Sorry about the mix-up."

JTS shrugged. "Ah, no problem. I can see how you can get confused. Now, have you guys read the latest book by Vonda McIntyre and Barbara Hambly. It's called the Tales of Infinity. It documents the rise of Emperor Infinity in a series of short stories."

"Can't say I ever heard of it." Beeurd shrugged, as did the rest of the Psychos.

"Whatever it is, it sure doesn't sound like canon." Tsl muttered.

"Canon! Bah!" JTS spat. "Canon sucks. The Infinities are all you need. That stuff is what all fans live by."

Drake stated the obvious. "Something is not right here."

The Psychos looked around at the booths near them. They were stunned at what they saw. Gone were the familiar faces of the EU they knew. Gone were the Solo kids. Gone were the Yuuzhan Vong. Gone was Thrawn. Gone were the Jedi Knight series of video games.

"Nooooooo!" cried CorSec. He curled into a fetal position.

All of the familiar post-Original Trilogy EU was completely gone. It was all replaced by this Emperor Infinity.

"Something is definately not right here" said Beeurd.

Just then a loud commotion came from behind the group. A dirty-looking hobo broke through the crowd of fans and came up to the Psychos.

"You all must come with me! You are in serious danger!" the hobo shouted as he yanked on Drake's sleeve.

"Hey! Ease up there little guy. What's wrong?" Drake asked.

"Everything!" The hobo yelled. "I'm sure you've already seen plenty when you got back here. I know where you were and I know what once was. You can help save the world!"

"Pfft!" said JTS. "You're a crazy old fool. Don't listen to that guy, Drake. He's been hanging around here this whole weekend trying to scare people into liking canon. And get this! He claims to be the creator of Star Wars! HA!" He laughed and then walked away.

The crowd laughed along with JTS and then went back to whatever it was they were doing before.

"The creator of Star Wars?" Tsl asked. "What did he mean by that?"

The old hobo turned his face up to everyone. When the light hit his mud and feces-caked features, they all knew who it was.

"George Lucas!" they all exclaimed.

"Yes, yes. It is I" replied George. "You all must be wondering how I sunk so low. Well I shall tell you but we must get away from here first. We must go somewhere safe! Where no one can hear us! Where no one can steal my ideas!" His gaze shot about nervously. "Come! Follow me!" He darted off into the crowd. The Psychos shrugged and followed.

***

Later, in an alley, inside of a very large cardboard box, the Psychos gathered around to hear George Lucas' tale of how everything became different.

"This is a very dark and disturbing tale" started George. "Kind of like Empire Strikes Back but without the heroes and the semi-happy ending. It all began when Return of the Jedi: Special Edition was released in theatres. People hated it! The fans complained so much that LucasFilm -- my own company! -- kicked me out on the street without any money."

"That's aweful!" said Prin. "Why did the fans hate the movie?"

"It was all because of one character." George sighed.

Tsl gasped. "Don't tell me you added Jar Jar...."

"No! I don't even know how the character got into the movie. I sure didn't add him. In fact, he wasn't even in the movie during the test screenings. But I know who it is now! He's that blasted Emperor Infinity!"

"I don't remember anyone like that in the movie. And I'd know since I know movies" said Fett.

"Of course not. You Psychos are from an un-tampered timeline. Your OT and EU are safe and as they should be."

"You said you knew who this new Emperor is. Who is he?" asked Drake.

"This is him." George handed them a picture. It was a screenshot of the celebration on Endor. In the foreground were all of the heroes and Ewoks dancing but in the background, a blurry figure stood. He held the charred helmet of Darth Vader in his hand.

CorSec turned white and gasped when he saw the picture.

"What is it, CorSec? Do you know who it is?" asked Rogue.

"I do" said CorSec. "That's Darth EU Continuity Error!"

Everyone else gasped.

"Indeed...my old apprentice" said Lucas. "He is Emperor Infinity. He somehow found his way back in time through the Plot and used his powers to corrupt it to his own twisted desires."

"This is terrible! We have to fix it!" Beeurd cried.

"Of course you will!" said Lucas. "This is why I have brought you here. You see, I still have some sway over the Star Wars Universe. I have the power to create characters and integrate them into the EU. Granted, those have all been minor characters and they all ended up getting killed by Darth EU Continuity Error in some gruesome fashion. But now I have focused all of my power into the creation of one character. He is the greatest character I have ever created."

The Psychos 'Oooh'ed and 'Ahhh'ed.

George Lucas continued. "His name is Captain Continuity! With the help of his band of prequel character superheroes he will defeat Darth EU Continuity Error and wipe him from the face of the Plot forever!"

"Cool!" exclaimed Drake. "But what do you want us to do?"

"Ah, my young friends. You are the most important part in this story. Whereas Captain Continuity is but the weapon against Darth EU Continuity Error, you are the ones who will weild that weapon! In simpler terms, I have no credibility and anything I write will be turned down by publishers. But you can do it. You can change the Plot and make everything as it should be!"

"Right" said Drake.

He turned to the rest of the Psychos and they huddled. After a few minutes of conversation, they broke and turned back to hobo Lucas.

"As Commander of this group, allow me to speak for everyone when I say we'd be honoured to help you on one condition."

"Name it" said Lucas.

"We get to kill off as many Gungan characters as we want, whenever we want."

"I accept!"

"YAY!" cheered the Psychos.

"Now. We don't have a lot of time. Take this and begin writing." George handed them something.

It was a datapad! On it was written the title of the story...

Captain Continuity and the Canon Crusaders! by The Psychopathic Jedi

***

Captain Continuity strode through his secret space station, the Canon Fodder. He passed by several droids that were working on the station's systems. That's all there was in his base, just himself and a handful of droids. But that was about to change.

He made his way towards the center of the station, where his top secret machine was located. He would activate the machine and bring heroes to help him fight Darth EU Continuity Error. That was the Captain's sole duty and he would succeed.

Captain Continuity made it to the huge chamber that contained the huge machine.

He looked up at it then made his way over to a computer console. He activated it.

Lights on the machine began to glow as it warmed up.

The Captain brought up the targeting program and set it to 22 years Before A New Hope (BANH). He identified his target and activated the temporal resequencer.

A portal opened inside the machine. It glowed brightly with all the colours of the rainbow. After a moment, the light faded and a lone figure stood on the machine platform. It was Mace Windu.

Mace looked down at the mysterious person behind the machine's controls. "Who in the mother-kriffin Force are you?"

"Greetings, Master Windu. I am Captain Continuity."

Mace looked annoyed. "Well, Captain Whoever, I was in the middle of an important battle on Geonosis and it would be very helpful if you got me back."

"That's Captain Continuity and the Battle of Geonosis is long over. You're over 50 years in the future from that period in time."

Mace let out a long whistle. "Well that explains why I'm getting some kriffed-up stang through the Force. 50 years, you say? That doesn't seem possible."

"It wasn't before today. The Maker created me and this time machine. He has given me the task of saving all of time and setting the Plot back the way it should be."

"Wow. That's some big job. I can see why you need my help." Mace nodded and lept down from the machine. "Who else are you gonna call up on that big time phone, there?"

Captain Continuity smiled and targeted the machine once again. "You'll see..."

***

Later, Captain Continuity stood before his team of heroes displaced from time.

"As you all know, I am Captain Continuity. My task is clear. You have been brought here to assist me. I chose you because you are the best of the best of the prequel characters. Mace Windu, Yoda, Jango Fett, Exar Kun, and prequel R2-D2...you are the Universe's only hope. You are the Canon Crusaders! Now let's go save the galaxy.....after beer and pizza, of course."

[Princess 35]

The doorbell of Cannon Fodder rang shortly thereafter. Captain Continuity answered the door whil Yoda, Mace Windu, Jango Fett, Exar Kun and prequel R2 chatted back and forth.

"Beer had better be from Naboo," Yoda said. "No place else makes beer worthy to be called beer."

Exar Kun took offense to that statement since he thought that the Sith made pretty good beer and so he drew his lightsaber and challenged Yoda to a duel. Yoda accepted the challenge and soon the two of them were thrusting and parrying.

"ENOUGH" Captain Continuity bellowed. "Eat your pizza and drink your beer, so that I can tell you about your first mission."

Everyone quieted down and dug into the pizza. "Ewwwwwwwwww," Mace whined. "Who in their right mind ordered pizza with Gungan and mushrooms? That's disgusting!"

"I did," Captain Continuity stated and grabbed a piece of it and gulped it down. Soon all the pizza was gone and so was the beer. "Okay Canon Crusaders, here is your mission. Timeline is 5 years post battle of Naboo and weird things have been said to have been happening. We have not been able to trace it to Emperor Infinity, so we're not sure what is causing it but I am sending three of you there to investigate the problem. Yoda, Mace, Exar Kun, the three of you will take Green Bean the Corellian Corvette that I have procured for you. There is a time transdusponder integrated into it that will be able to take anywhere in the galaxy and there is also a beacon that will allow you to connect to Cannon Fodder at any time so that you can get back here. We must defeat Emperor Infinity.

Mace, Yoda and Exar Kun all headed for the docking bay the crammed thier small bags of belongings into their quarters and Yoda and Mace headed up to the cockpit to set course for Naboo, 5 years post Battle of Naboo. Exar Kun headed for the pilot's chair and picked Yoda up, attempting to take over that position. "Down with me put! Pilot us I must. Dusting crops this ain't Sith boy!"

Exar growled. "I need to do something. I will not let you puny little Jedi just shove me into the back while you get the glory of saving the galaxy. Now move little green guy. "

Yoda used the Force and locked Exar Kun in a closet. Exar promptly started pounding away on the door. Mace rolled his eyes. It was going to be a long trip.

******************************************************************

Finally, days later and years earlier, the trio arrived at Naboo. They were directed to land outside of Theed City. Something didn't seem right. Soon the trio realized what was wrong. Gungans were storming Theed Palace!

"To the tunnels," Mace shouted as he started sprinting towards the tunnels. They managed to make it to the tunnels but Exar Kun and Yoda made a contest out of killing as many Gungans as they could on the way to the tunnels.

"Twenty-one," Exar Kun cried out.

"Seventeen," Yoda exclaimed. "Eighteen!"

"That one was mine," Exar argued.

"Twitching, he was."

Exar growled but kept on fighting. Soon they made it to the tunnels and made it to the throne room.

"Your Majesty," Mace bowed. "We are here to help save you form the Gungan menace and restore Naboo history to how it's supposed to be."

Yoda noticed a shadow in the corner and moved over there with lightning fast speed. Using the Force to aid him, he pulled out a hooded character. "Who are you?"

"I am the apprentice of Emperor Infinity. I am the nightmare of all Star Wars purists. I am Darth Fanboy! I combine things that shouldn't be combined and and here to ruin Naboo with the Gungans attacking Helm's Dee er Theed Palace."

Exar lept forward, lightsaber blazing bright red and started dueling Darth Fanboy. Mace and Yoda took this advantage to slip out a side door and to a ledge overlooking the bridge moving silently. They looked at the Gungans that were storming the palace and looked worried. Soon the Gungans were going to break through the castle door and the Queen would be overrun. Yoda looked up at Mace, "Toss me."

"What?"

"Toss me. I cannot make the jump." He paused. "Do not tell the Sith."

"Not a word." Mace picked up Yoda and tossed him onto the bridge and then jumped himself. Both Mace and Yoda landed on the bridge with their lightsabers ignited.

[Ender 8]

As Mace and Yoda began to hack and slash at the Sith, Jango was on top of the castle, shooting at the Gungans storming the top on ladders. There seemed to be no end to them.

Suddenly, all the Gungans stopped fighting, and turned to the east, where parts of their army were still assembled. A large fish was charging for the wall.

Jango leaped away, jetpack blazing, but Exar Kun was not as lucky.

Exar was on the wall when the fish hit. The wall exploded in a shower of purple goo, sending Exar flying, and he landed in a large puddle of the goo.

"Sithspit... this aint my day. First I got locked in a closet by a tiny green rat/rabbit thing, then I land in Gungan goo. Great, just great. My robes are ruined!" Exar complained.

It was only then he noticed the wall of Gungans coming towards him.

***

Jango, flying high above, noticed Exar's predicament, so he flew over to where Yoda and Mace were hacking away Gungans.

"Mace, grab onto this!" Jango yelled, deploying a rope from his wrist.

Mace looked up, grab Yoda by the collar, and grabbed onto the rope.

Jango blasted off, carrying Mace and Yoda. He dropped them into the middle of the Gungan horde, and the three warriors went into action.

***

Three hours later, it was all over. Exar found Yoda sitting on top of a dead Gungan, smoking a cigar.

"That's not good for you, Greenie." Exar said.

"Give a damn, I do not, youngun." Yoda replied.

"How many did you kill?"

"Sitting on top of 65, I am."

"Damn! I got 64!"

"Oh darn."

Edited November 16, 2004 by Ender

[TheUnknown 39]

While the Canon Crusaders celebrated their astonishing victory over the Gungans on Naboo, they hard the high-pitched scream of a door opening behind the throne. From this door stepped a figure cloaked entirely in black.

"This guy needs some fashion sense," said Jango Fett, commeting on the figure's clothing. "It's before Labor Day for crying out loud!" The other Crusaders could only stare at him.

Suddenly, the dark figure in a gruff voice, "My fellow apprentice has failed," he said, acknowledging the very large stain on the floor that was Darth Fanboy. "I told him of the dangers of trusting Gungans to do their work. I said that ewoks would work better. They're not as stupid as gungans and they taste better blended. But does anyone listen to me? NO!"

Yoda rolled his eyes at the pout-fest. "Might be who you?" he asked.

"Huh?" The dark figure asked in a higher pitched voice than. "I mean: What did you say you Crusader filth?" he said, lowering his voice.

"Who are you?" Mace asked, translating Yoda-speak into Basic.

"Oh, thanks." The dark figure removed his hood, revealing his face. "I am Darth Doogie Howser, MD, apprentice of Darth EU Continuity Error."

"What the Sith?" Mace asked.

"You mean Jedi" Exar Kun said.

"No, Sith!"

"Jedi!"

"Sith!"

"Jedi!"

"Sith!"

"EH-HEM!" Darth Doogie Hower yelled.

"Oh, sorry," Mace said.

"Where was I? Oh, yes. My master has ordered your destruction. Prepare to become one with the force."

"Think so, I do not," Yoda said definantly. He leaped toward Darth Doogie Howser, but met a large, steel trash can lid that Darth Doogie Howser held up. The impact caused a shock wave so intense that it knocked the Crusaders out. When they revived, they found Darth Doogie Howser gone and Yoda sealed in the heavily-dented garbage can lid. They removed Yoda from the lid.

"Make a metal bikini out of that in my spare time, I will," he said. "But first, track Darth Doogie Howser, we must." The Crusaders ran off to the Green Bean.

"Wait!" Exar Kun shouted then slashed a twitching Gungan. "We're tied."

Edited November 16, 2004 by TheUnknown

[Tsl 7]

With the Crusaders once again all aboard the Green Bean, a meeting was conviened to determine the best way to find the insidious Darth Doogie.

Jango scratched his helmet, "I don't even know where to start here, fellas!"

"Pffft. Fool! You're the big, bad, bounty hunter!" said Mace with no small amount of scorn.

"Oh no! Uh uh, you did not just go there!" Jango dived across the table the group was seated at and engaged in a vicious sissy fight with Mace.

"Take that, punk!"

"Ow! You hit me with your watch!"

"No fair! You have armor! Ow!"

Exar Kun sat back and watched with amusment. Yoda was busy cutting a little Yoda-sized bikini shape out of his steel trash can lid. Prequel R2 twiddled with amusment and the fight continued until Captain Continuity zapped both Mace and Jango into submission.

Once everyone had settled down, R2 adressed the group, "Beep twiddle, beeeooo, blip blip, sploink!"

"Huh?" asked the Captain.

"Wtf, mate?" said Jango.

"Speak basic you must, for understand the language of Atari we do not," said Yoda.

R2 blatted with annoyance.

"I know!" said Exar Kun "We'll have a guess at what you're on about. Two beeps for yes, one beep for no!"

R2 trilled with happiness at the Sith Lord's brilliant suggestion.

"Are you trying to ask for my hand in marriage?" asked Mace.

One annoyed beep.

"Oh poo," Mace pouted.

"Right...," Exar shot an evil look at Mace, "Does it have to do with finding Darth Doogie?"

Two beeps.

"Yay!" said Jango, clapping his hands excitedly. "Is it a plan for finding him?"

Two beeps.

"And propose to do such, how do you?" asked Yoda.

Silence.

"It has to be yes or no questions, you ass," said Exar.

"Call me an ass you should not, Sithboy," Yoda waved the half-cut-out bikini at him.

"Well how do we find out what the plan is? We can't just sit around guessing all day," said Jango with dissapointment.

Then R2 spoke. He said, "Hey, the almightly writer of postness, Tsl, has granted me the power of speech! Woooooot! Hah! I've always wanted to say that!"

"Yeah, yeah, yay. It's a flippin' miracle... Now tell us your brilliant plan!" said Mace.

"Simple." said the little droid. "We shall follow the trail Darth Doogie left behind!"

"Trail?" said Jango dubiously. "I'm a master bounty hunter. If there were a trail to follow, I would have seen it."

"Ah, but you wouldn't have. As a droid, I can pick up broadcasts, and and transmissions of various kinds. I feel a disturbance in the TV ratings, as though a million television viewers suddenly flipped to a network station and cried out with anguish at what they saw, and that disturbance can only be brought about by a truly horrid television show."

"But so much of TV sucks!" said Mace.

"Indeed, but few shows could rate so low as...." R2 paused as a dramatic chord sounded. "Doogie Howser, MD.!!"

The Canon Crusaders flinched at the mentioning of the show. Even Exar Kun could barely withstand the horror of it.

Several minutes (and several bottles of whiskey) later, the Crusaders had mustered the strength and will power to seek out the evil Darth Doogie. With R2 acting as navagator, Jango piloted the Green Bean as they followed the bad TV ratings in the general direction of the Outer Rim.

Edited November 17, 2004 by Tsl

[Andy 60]

Jango was studying the console carefully. "Hey l'il green dude," he called over to Yoda.

"What is it, you want?" Yoda replied, as he admired his home-made metal battle bikini top in a full-length mirror. Well, a small bathroom mirror really, but it was full-length for Yoda.

"Could you fetch me the WD-40?" Jango asked, "my right knee has got stuck and needs oiling..."

Yoda spied a sexy red thong sticking out of Jango's back pocket, and grabbed it.

"Mine!" Yoda cried happily, "Or I will help you not!"

Luckily for Jango his helmet disguised the fact that his face had gone bright red, and he let the diminuitive Jedi Master take it.

"Uhh... I dunno how it got there..." Jango said unconvincingly.

Just them Artoo rolled past and began a tug of war over the thong while bleeping furiously.

"Hey," Mace said, "I thought the droid could speak now?"

"I can," said Artoo, "I was censoring myself to keep it clean for the kids."

Exar spoke up, he had been hiding in the corner devising some evil Sith plan of evil Sithlyness in order to trick their foe. "Jedispit! Master Yoda is dressed in nothing but a metal bikini, and fighting over a thong, and you're worried about keeping the story clean? You people are just too crazy."

"Hmm..." Said Captain Continuity, thoughtfully, "perhaps the temporal resequencer does have some side-affects after all...."

"Oh for the love of bounty hunting!" Jango yelled. "I'll get the WD-40 myself, dammit!"He promotly stood up and hopped his way out of the control room to get some WD-40 for his knee armour.

* * * * *

As he walked into the storage room, a mouse droid zipped past him into the doorway, almost making him trip over. He picked up the WD-40 and oiled his knee. "Yay! I can move!" He shouted with glee, accidently activating his jetpack and rocketed up into the ceiling.

Captain Continuity ran in to see what had happened. "What happend?"

Jango stood up. "Uhh, nothing... Slight jetpack malfunction, but I'm all fine here now, thanks. How are you?" Captain Continuity was just about to answer, when a mouse droid zipped past him into the doorway, almost making him trip over. "Whoa, deja-vu..." Jango muttuered.

"What did you just say?"

Jango shook his head, "Nothing, I just had a little deja vu."

"What did you see?" the Captain asked

"A mouse droid just came in here, and then another that looked just like it."

"How much like it, was it the same droid?"

"Might have been, I'm not sure." Jango replayed the scene in his helmet camera. "Yeah, I think it was..."

Captain Continuity looked worried, "Uh oh, I'm worried. A deja vu is usually a glitch in the Plot. It happens when Emperor Infinity changes something."

* * * * *

Mace looked at the viewscreen in shock. "Oh, Sith..."

"What now, I'm busy!?" Exar growled angrily.

"No, not you... I mean, look, Emperor Infinity has warped the Plot!"

"Oh, holocrons..." Kun gasped as he looked at the screen.

Mace s######d at the Dark Lord. "Holocrons? Is that the best curse you can come up with?"

"Shut up, pansy Jedi!" Kun yelled

"You ****** startin', ****** mother******!?"

Mace stood up and drew his lightsaber. "I'm gonna ****** your ***** *****!!!!"

Exar and Mace activated their lightsabers, with Windu's violet blade locking with Kun's blue blade. Artoo decided now was an appropriate time to play 'Duel of the Fates' on his brand new MP3 player.

"Look!" Kun laughed. "The pansy Jedi even has a pink lightsaber!"

Mace stamped his feet childishly. "Gah! It's not pink, it's violet!"

This only served to make Exar laugh more. Luckily Captain Continuity and Jango ran in to stop the pair from killing eachother.

"Holy cow, Batman!" Jango said as he saw the screen.

"It is as I feared," Captain Continuity, "Emperor Infinity has unleashed a fearsome new weapon... The Galactic Whisk!"

Artoo played a dramatic chord through his speakers.

The Captain Continued, "He has scrambled the entire galaxy, look, everything is all over the place!"

Sure enough, on the screen the galaxy was an unrecognisable tangle of hyperspace routes and randomly placed star systems.

"Argh!" Mace screamed with shock as he realised, "That's Geonosis! Next to Coruscant! In the Mid-Rim! I can't take this lack of continuity any more!" And with that he ran from the room crying.

"Captain!" Jango called, "I have found the location of Darth Doogie Howser! He is at Sorusuub HQ in Coronet City!"

"On Sullust or Corellia, is that?" Yoda asked, confused.

"Hoth, actually," Jango stated, "in the Corporate Sector of the Deep Core. 12 Parsecs outside the Rishi Maze."

"How can you be sure?" Captain Continuity asked.

"Because." Jango said bluntly.

"Well, I can't argue with that logic." Artoo said sarcastically.

"Where did Pansy Windu go?" Exar asked, almost concerned.

"Just checked on him, I did," Yoda explained, "tearing his hair out with stress he is."

They all looked puzzled.

"But Master Windu is bald," Artoo said.

"Other places with hair, there is."

Everybody cringed and tried to purge the thought from their minds.

"You Jedi are sick!" Kun cried, "sick I tell you!"

[Roethlisberger 0]

The Continuity Crusaders gagged their lungs out at Yoda's comment. Meanwhile, Mace Windu was crying and tearing his hair out. He was feeling a little emotional. He was talking to himself.

"C'mon man," he said to himself. "You're Jules Winnfield. Friggin' act like him."

Mace started to act like Jules, and started to look like him. In a matter of seconds, Mace had grown spectacular Jheri curls. He was quoting the Bible all over the place.

Mace walked back into the room with a new look of determination and amazing hair.

"Wow!" they all yelled. "Mace grew hair!"

"Not just hair!" Yoda exclaimed, "JHERI CURLS!"

"There's ugly," Jango frankly stated.

"If I pay you, will you change your mind?" Mace asked

"Sure." Jango answered.

"Wanna know what I'm buyin' Jango?" Mace asked

"What?"

"Your life. I'm givin' you that money so I don't hafta kill your ass. You read the Bible?"

"I'm Jewish," Jango said.

"Look Jango," Mace started, fully in Jules mode, "There's a passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. 'The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.' I been sayin' that sith for years. And if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. I never really questioned what it meant. I thought it was just a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherewoker before you popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some sith this mornin' made me think twice. Now I'm thinkin': it could mean you're the evil man. And I'm the righteous man. And Mr. 9mm here, he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could be you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish. I'd like that. But that sith ain't the truth. The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Jango. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd."

The Canon Crusaders looked at Mace scared.

"WTF?" Jango exclaimed.

"Tell you to not speak Atari, I did," Yoda stated.

"Sorry," Jango said. "But I think what I said summed it up for everybody."

***

Now it turned out that Mace's Jules-like comment enraged shepards across the Galaxy and they all charged full speed at Mace, but Mace simply held up his Capital One No-Hassle card and they all ran away, shouting "What's in your wallet?" And that's why you always carry a Capital One card with you. So you don't get eaten by Polar Bears. Or shepards.

Edited November 22, 2004 by Roethlisberger

[Princess 35]

The Canon Crusaders looked at Mace like he'd just grown a full head of hair and started quoting the Bible. Oh wait, he had. The Canon Crusaders didn't know what to do. They looked at each other until Yoda finally spoke up. "Contact Captain Continuity we must. Know how to solve this problem he will. R2, open up a channel to Captain Continuity you will. Mmmmmmmmmm."

R2 trundled over to the comm center, all the while muttering under his breath about little green men that were too big for their britches. It took a while since he had to navigate through both space and time, but soon a link was established. Exar Kun stepped forward. "Captain Continuity you must help us. The large Jedi has turned into some Bible spouting maniac and the puny green one has gone insane. The droid is useless agh!"

R2 twittled away after shocking Exar in the arse and headed for the engine room to fiddle around. Exar took a breath and continued. "There is only so much that I, in my supreme greatness as a Sith Lord can do. The bounty hunter is of no use to me. Help me Captain Continuity, you're my only hope."

Captain Continuity pondered for a moment and then responded. "Each of you have a ring. When you combine your powers, I can cross the space-time continuum and get to you faster. Do as you must." With that, the transfer closed.

Exar pondered and then gathered up all of the Canon Crusaders. "Listen up, we need Captain Continuity to help us sort out this awful mess. We must use our rings and combine our powers to call Captain Continuity to us. Let's do it." Exar looked down at his ring. "EVIL!"

Yoda looked at his, "Light!"

Mace shrugged and joined in, "Bible! Oh wait no, kriff, what is it. Oh Balance!"

Jango stifled a laugh as he called upon his power "Money!"

R2 took a minute but then he found a bolt attached to himself. "Tweetle tweet beep bonk!"

A flash shook the ship. "When your powers combine I am Captain Planet! Oh wait, that's been cancelled. That's right, it's when your powers combine I am Captain Continuity!"

Suddenly a weird voiceover started. "Captain Continuity he's our hero. Gonna take Emperor Infinity down to zero!"

[Tsl 7]

Captain Continuity struck a heroic pose, standing with legs spread wide and fists on his hips. The Crusaders cheered happily.

"I'm confused," said the Captain. "One minute I'm here on the Green Bean and the next I"m being summoned to the place I already am...and...and..." Then in a blinding shower of firely pink sparks, Captain Continuity's head exploded.

"Oh no!" said Mace in despair. "Now what are we going to do!?"

"Roast marshmallows!" suggested Exar Kun. He proceeded to place a marshmallow on the end of a stick and held it over the still glowing sparks.

"But he's our leader bean! OUr hero, our president, our prime minister, our premiere, our..." Mace scratched his head trying to think of more words that convey leadership.

"He's your Captain!" said Captain Continuity.

"Wtf, mate," said Yoda. "Dead you were, but now alive you be. Come you how to be here?"

"Hmm? Oh, that was a clone. It's my Captian Continuity to the Rescue inflatable hero clone prototype. Obviously it still needs some work. So then...what were we doing? Ah yes, we were after my arch enemy, Doogie Howser!"

"I thought Darth EU Continuity Error was your arch enemy," Mace reminded him.

"Oh yeah.... Don't correct Captain Continuity!" he boomed angrily. Mace flinched and the Captain cackled. "Now...bring me a donut and some oyster crackers!"

Edited November 23, 2004 by Tsl

[Chickenman 9]

Jango scurried away to find the donut and oyster crackers.

"What do you want?" boomed the voice of Captain Continuity.

Exar Kun spoke up first.

"It's, like, so totally horrible! Mace Windu is like, totally not okay right now! Super!"

The rest of the crusaders just stared an Kun.

Kun shrugged.

"I, like, so totally don't know what happened. But suddenly I have like, a huge urge to like, listen to boy bands and ride ponies! Or is it listen to ponies and ride boy bands?" and with that, he skipped away.

Yoda sighed.

"Help us you must, Captain Continuity."

"Please. Just call me Conti."

"Call you Conti I will. But fix Windu you must."

"Indeed." At that moment, Jango came back, with the requested items. Without a word, Conti stuffed a funnel in Windu's mouth and started force feeding him the donut and the oyster crackers.

Magically, Mace's hear dissapeared, and he stopped quoting the bible.

"What did you do?" asked Jango.

"He no longer speaks of the bible." Conti replied.

Mace crossed his legs and began meditating.

"Great!" said Jango. "Now you've made him budhist!"

**********

"So, like, how do we defeat that mean old Darth Doogie?" asked Kun. He now wore a bright pink cloak.

Yoda and Jango shied away from the assaulting color.

"What?! Can't a man do something to make himself look beautiful?" he winked at Captain Continuity. "Don't I look absolutly fabulous?"

"No." said the captain, and he threw cheeze in his eyes.

Kun cried.

"What we need to beat Doogie is this:" he said, taking a dramatic pause.

"We need guns. Lots of guns."

And with that, the Crusaders were in a big white room. Suddenly shelves extended from the far side of the room as if from nowhere, long shelves that stretched down the room for infinity. Jango was in the path of one of the shelves. It hit him and he went flying across the limitless white room.

Yoda, Mace, R2, and Kun checked the contents of the shelves. They were filled with guns. Lot's of guns. They shrugged and began piling the weapons and ammo into their brand new trench coats.

"Oh my gawd!" Kun cried in dismay. "This gunbelt so doesn't match my shirt!

Edited December 2, 2004 by Chickenman

[Drake 53]

Captain Continuity strapped an ammo belt over his shoulder and hefted a P-90 in each hand. "You know what? I think I'd prefer CapCon."

"Huh?" asked Yoda. "Speak clearly will you more."

The Captain raised his eyebrow. "Riiiight. So yeah, call me CapCon...as my name...I just realized that Conti is stupid."

"Understand now, I do" said Yoda as he slung a rocket launcher onto his little green shoulder. "But copyrighted CapCon is, yes?"

"No no" Mace spoke up. "You're thinking of CapCom, dude."

Just then a well-dressed man in a suit appeared.

"Oh em gee! It's an Agent!" squeeled Kun. "What's worse is I think I broke a nail!"

The Agent-looking man walked up to them. "Do not worry, I am not an Agent. I am an outside anomaly as you are. But that does not mean you are safe. I am here to enforce copyright laws. I have you listed down as using a registered trademark name without assigning the appropriate sourcing and written agreement from the owners of the company who owns that aforementioned name." He paused for a moment to allow the Crusaders to wrap their minds around it. "In fact, I shouldn't even be dressed this way as it could be interpreted as copying a character type from a copyrighted trilogy of films...which indeed you did upon my arrival."

The Canon Crusaders looked at one another, shrugged and then opened fire on the mysterious, big-worded man.

The man's body slumped to the ground then dematerialised. His ghostly form rose. "Fools! You can't possibly defeat Darth EU Continuity Error. You are too weak and inexperianced. We will defeat him. You will perish." And with that he vanished completely.

Jango landed on the floor next to the group. "What'd I miss?"

CapCon looked thoughtful.

"That's bad for you, you know...thinking. It's dangerous" warned Mace.

"Yeah, I know. I was just faking to look smart. Anyways, I fear that man was from the Dogma."

Yoda nodded and faked looking thoughtful. "Indeed...I foresee a great many parodies from that."

CapCon nodded. "Yeah probably. But anyways, the Dogma is an extremist group who believe in strict enforcement of continuity, order and law. Anyone who breaches their sacred code is an enemy in their eyes. They are very dangerous and have special powers that rival my own. We will need to watch out for them..."

"Well now that that's over with..." started Mace, "We can get back to that Matrix parody thing we were doing before."

And so they continued.

[Chickenman 9]

Jango, dressed in a trenchcoat, slowly walked through an airport lobby. He had a purpose.

He walked through the metal detector. There was a loud beep. The security guard operating the detector strode over to him.

"Please remove all metal objects."

Jango opened his trenchcoat. The inside of it was lined with guns and ammo. The guard's eyes widened. The others in the lobby stared, silent, at the man bristling with weapons. The security guard finnally found the strength to speak.

"Is that a...a...an AK-47?"

Jango nodded.

The security guard tensed, the crowd in the lobby didn't move, everyone was horrified.

The security guard pointed to a sign.

"Read the sign, buddy! Only American weapons are allowed on this shuttle."

Reluctantly, Jango handed the AK over.

*****

After a long flight, the shuttle touched down on Hoth, in the Corporate Sector of the Deep Core, 12 Parsecs outside the Rishi Maze.

"So, CapCon," Mace asked. "You say we'll find Darth Doogie here?"

CapCon nodded.

"You know," Jango wondered aloud. "I've always wondered why they call this the Corporate Sector."

As if on cue, a man in a bussiness suit, carrying a briefcase, walked over.

"Hello." he greeted in a monotone voice. "I represent Corporate Sector Industries Incorporated Limited. What brings you to Hoth?"

"We've come to slay Darth Doogie" Mace replied.

"The CEO? I'm sorry, but only the VP and Senior VP are allowed near him. However, I'm sure you could reach that posistion if you were to join the work force. I'm sure you could get promoted eventually."

*************

Two hours later, the Crusader's found themselves sorting mail, in the mailroom of Corporate Sector Industries Incorporated Limited.

"This sucks!" complained Jango.

"Work you must. Get promoted you will." Yoda replied, hopping up and down, trying to put an envelope on a high shelf.

"Hell no! Jango Fett, most feared Bounty Hunter in the galaxy, does not sort mail."

"Then what do you suggest?" Windu asked.

Jango grinned beneath his mask and drew his two blaster pistols.

"I'll be right back."

****************

Thirty minutes later, they all found themselves in a boardroom. They sat tensly, wondering what they were in for.

Suddenly, a door opened, and a being so horrible, so incredibly hideous stepped in.

It was Donald Trump. His two flunkies followed him in.

"Welcome to the boardroom." Trump began, sitting.

"Oh...my...gawd!" cried out Exar. "Who does your hair?"

Trump growled. It was a low, guttural, animal-like sound. He pressed a button on the arm of his chair.

"You're fired!" and with that, a trapdoor opened up under Kun. He dissapeared into the depths below.

"Anyway, you candidates have been summoned here because I, being the Senior Vice President of the company, need a Vice President. I need an aprentice. I had some other candidates chosen, but they all died in a shoot out involving a bounty hunter."

Jango hid his pistols behind his back and whistled a merry tune.

"You will each perform tasks for me, and in the end, there will be one aprentice."

Mace whispered to the others. "If one of us becomes the VP, we'll have a shot at killing Darth Doogie." They all nodded in agreement.

"What's our first task?" asked R2.

"Your first task is to make a new brand of lemonade. Whoever makes a superior lemonade will move onto the next round. The team that doesn't do so well, will lose a member of the team. So-" he was interrupted when Melania Knauss, his fiancee, peeked in the room, wearing...not too much.

"Coming, Donald?" she asked.

"In a minute!" Trump replied. The turned back to his candidates. "Err...go out there and make me some lemonade." Then he took off for the door running as fast as he could toward Melania.

************

Day 1:

Big Tall Asskickers Team

Jango: Here's what I'm thinking. Mr. Trump thinks we're going to make lemonade, right? Well that's where we surprise him. We won't make lemonade. We'll make limenade. With limes!

Mace: (to camera) Jango...wanted to change it from lemonade, to limenade. Now, me and CapCon thought it was a stupid idea. But then I had a good idea.

Mace: Lime?! That's just stupid. How about Bannananade?!

Mace: (to camera) Bannananade. Kinda rolls off the tongue doesn't it?

Bannananade.

************

Day 1:

Short Peoples Team

R2: So, what do you think?

Yoda: I dunno. What do you think?

R2: I dunno. What do you think?

Yoda: I dunno. What do you think?

R2: I dunno. What do you think?

*An ewok scampers by.*

*Yoda grabs him by the foot and tosses him into a blender.*

*Yoda turns the blender on.*

Yoda: Blended Ewok it is.

R2: (Still bored) Game of checkers?

Yoda: Kick your ass, I will.

**************

Day 1:

Big Tall Asskickers Team

On the roof of Trump Tower, Hoth

CapCon: Look, we've got to find out what our oposistion is up to. Jango, look in that window!

*Mace dangles Jango from his ankles, and Jango peers inside the window.*

*Instead of Yoda and R2's room, he's peering into Trump's.*

Melania: Oh Donald! It's so...so...!

Trump: I bought it myself.

Jango: Oh my eyes!!!! I...I'm blind! Blind!

*Jango begins kicking and screaming, and his kicks break him free of Mace's grasp. He drops to the ground. All 200 stories to the ground.*

CapCon: That's got to hurt.

**************

Day 2:

Boardroom

Minute Maid Spokesperson: The Blended Ewok was quite enjoyable, Mr. Trump. The bannanalimenade however, killed everyone who tasted it.

*Trump, who is just having a bannanalimenade, spits it back out, right on the spokesperson.*

*Spokesperson melts.*

***************

Weeks Later

Trump: Jango, you have earned the job of being my aprentice.

Jango: Thank you Mr. Trump.

Trump: I present you this lightsaber. *He holds out a lightsaber to Jango*

*Jango, still blind, reaches around, trying to grab the lightsaber. He finds it. He activates it.*

Jango: Thank you, sir.

Trump: Uh...Jango?

Jango: Yes, Mr. Trump?

Trump: That's not a lightsaber.

Jango: *pulls back hand* Sorry sir.

Trump: It's okay. I bought it myself.

*************

Jango walked into Darth Doogie's office.

"It's time to die, Doogie."

"You can't kill me, Jango. You're blind."

Jango pulled out a pistol, and shot Doogie in the head.

"Ow! My head!" cried out Doogie, in pain.

"Wait! If I shot you in the head, how can you still speak? Head shots are instant kills!" Jango asked.

"You shot me in the head allright, just not the one you're thinking of!" cried out Doogie, who was now curled up in the fetal posistion.

"Oops."

Edited December 2, 2004 by Chickenman

[Tsl 7]

The Crusaders all chuckled as Darth Doogie's voice became higher pitched.

"Please! Finish the job! I don't want to live like this!" he squealed.

Jango levelled a blaster at him, being a hunter at heart, he hated to leave a wounded animal lying around in pain. He would never let on to his bounty hunter buddies that he had such sympathies for his quarry of course, but in truth, Jango was a sensitive guy.

"Oh, thank you!" said Doogie, relieved. " I wouldn't want to live without my little friend!"

But before Jango could pull the trigger...

"No, you squeeze the trigger," interuppted Jango.

Whatever.

But before Jango could squeeze the trigger, Exar Kun suddenly reappeared, emerging from a secret trap door in between the defeated Doogie and Jango.

"Don't do it!" he said. "Don't put this scum out of his misery! Let him suffer all eternity without his....er...little friend!"

"Noooooo!" moaned Doogie. "I want to die! I can't live without it!"

"Why do you need it? There are no females anywhere in this whole story," pouted Mace.

"Want to torture him, why do you?" asked Yoda, ignoring Mace. Yoda was gay and felt that Mace was trying to rub it in.

"Umm....Sith?" said Exar, indicating his long black robes and generally sinister appearance.

"Outnumbered, you are," replied Yoda. "Of Jedi, two there are. Of Sith only one. And one bountry hunter, there is, but on our side, he is."

"Only just this one, though," said Jango, pouting a bit.

"Okay, fine. Waste him. Blow his brains out all over the street. He's tarnishing the fine title of "Darth" anyways," said Exar, crossing his arms over his chest.

Doogie squealed with delight, and Jango shot him point blank in the head. THe others watched as Doogies head managed a combonation of implosion and explosian at the same time, resulting in a gorey shower of blood and skull fragments. His body slumped to the pavement and the Crusaders could see that he no longer poscessed a head at all....of any sort.

"Well..." said CapCon. "That was...er...fun. I think..."

"What next? What next?" asked Mace, clapping his hands eagerly.

"Now we must leave before Donald Trump returns. He will be attracted by the smell of fresh blood! Quick my little Crusaderlings! Flee! Flee into the night!" said CapCon. The Crusaders ran off into the moonset.

[Ender 8]

The Crusaders ran off into the hall, heading for the elevator.

However, when they reached the elevator, they found Donald Trump waiting for them.

"Damn! We're too late!" CapCon said.

"You are correct, my good Captain. Now you are mine." Donald said, in a much deeper voice.

"What do you, like, mean?" Exar asked.

"I shall show you."

Donald stuck his hand in his hair, and suddenly started unzipping himself. Out of it stepped a black cloud in the shape of a man.

"I... am your GOD! I am the Goa'uld System Lord Darth EU Continuity Order!"

"Wait, wait, wait... System WHAT?" Mace asked.

"System Lord. You know, Goa'uld. Snake in the head, deep bass voice."

"Know of this, I do." Yoda said. "Said to be the evilest of all, they are."

"You are correct. With the terribleness of a System Lord combined with the greatest Continuity Error of all time, I shall spread a wave of evil unlike the galaxy has ever seen!" Darth EU cackled.

The Crusaders gaped.

Suddenly, they all heard a ringing sound.

"Oh, crap. Hold on a second." Darth EU said, fumbling around in his robes. He produced a cell phone, which he pressed against his head.

"EU. Yes. Yeah? Ok. Yes, fine. Do it. Fine. All right. I'll be there."

EU stuck the phone back in his robes.

"Sorry about this, but I've got to go. We've captured that George Lucas charachter from that place called Earth."

And EU disappeared.

After several minutes of gaping at each other, CapCon finally spoke up.

"So... what do we do?" he asked.

"Know, I do not. The Captain, you are. Decide, you must."

CapCon sighed. "But I ALWAYS make the decisions."

"Tough. If you dont make the decision, Mr. Gay Frills back here will." Mace said, pointing at Exar.

That got CapCon to thinking.

[TheUnknown 39]

Captain Continuity's ruminations were short-lived, for who suddenly found himself with green hair and wearing a red outfit with a globe on the chest. "By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!" he yelled as he flew around the room.

"What the law-abiding-citizen?" Jango blurted out.

"I don't know, but hold onto your butts," Mace, who suddenly found himself with hair, wearing glasses, and missing an arm that just so happened to be over Laura Dern's shoulder.

Jango would have said something, were he not surprised to find himself wearing a shirt that said "PETA," carrying a picket sign, and yelling "Fur is murder! Fur is murder!"

"You will never take my purple mink coat, you wacko!" Exar Kun shouted.

"Right, something is not," Yoda mused. He soon found himself being chased by slimy, mean-looking things called "Gremlins" in some areas.

While all of this was going on, R2D2's circuits were abuzz, trying to make some sense of the scene before him: Jango protesting the use of fur, Mace trying to get his raptor-chewed arm re-attached, Captain Continuity flying around, Yoda running from Gremlins, and Exar Kun just being weird. But, he soon found himself with a strange urge to kill John Conner. With no John Conner in sight, he had to settle for chasing Yoda.

"It is just as I feared," Dogma member one said.

"Do we really have to do this?" Dogma member two asked.

Dogma member three sighed. "Yes, we have no other choice."

"Alright. So how are we going to do this?" Dogma member two asked.

"You and Dogma member three will give them the injections. I'll cover you."

"Okay, let's go." The three Dogma members ran toward Mace. Dogma member one got the raptor's attention and ran like hell. With the raptor away, the other two Dogma members were able to restrain the each of the Canon Crusaders and give them an injection. The Crusaders found themselves back to their original forms, dazed and confused.

"I'm dazed and confused," Exar Kun said. "Who are you? Why are you here?"

"We are the Dogma," Dogma member one said. This declaration was met with the exchanging of blasterfire. "No! No! We're not here to start anything."

"Yeah? Then why did we run into that other guy a few posts back?" Jango demanded.

The Dogma member sighed. "Dogma member one million five hundred eighty-nine thousand two hundred twenty-four was like too many of the Dogma. He would never postpone our goals, to achieve our missions."

"What goals? What missions? Them's fightin' words!"

"Our mission is maintain continuity and clarity within pop culture. Normally, the fact that the five of you are existing and co-existing within the same time period would be cause for concern. But at least you all exist within the same universe. Things have become much more dire. The crossing of universes is caused pop culture to collapse upon itself."

"So what do you what with us?" Captain Continuity asked

"We need your help. Before Darth EU Continuity Error showed up, we would only have to deal with a random CapCom versus X-Men game or two. But now, it is beyond our control. Our efforts must be focused on other universes. I mean, afterall, in the Transformers universe, Arnold Schwartzeneggar is a Decepticon and Kit from Night Rider is an Autobot.

"The injections are temporary antidotes for the continuity messer-uppering. Their power is directly proportion to the power of Darth EU Continuity Error's power, divided by pi, multiplied by the square root of infinity, divided by the number of licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie pop. It's really quite easy to understand.

"In other words, the more ewoked-up things get, the more ewoked-up you will be."

"Ewoked up? Don't you mean ewoked up?" Jango asked

"No, I really mean ewoked-up? Look out the window." Sure enough, a horde of vicious ewoks were ravaged the city. With that, the Dogma left.

"Oh yeah. There are some side effects to the injections," Dogma Member One said as he was walking out the door.

[Princess 35]

Jango started vomiting in the corner and was soon doubled over with cramps. "I think I know the side effects now."

Yoda and Exar Kun jumped away and started convulsing in spasms while squacking like chickens. Mace bust out laughing and then let loose a spasm of projectile vomit across the room, hitting R2 squarely in the dome. Just as soon as the side effects started, they ceased for the Force sensitive bunch. Jango was still miserable in the corner, but they pretty much ignored him and went to sit around the table.

"Mace, for a Jedi, you should have better control of your projectile emissions than that," R2 remarked.

"You puny little robot, I was under control, I did exactly what I wanted to do. You should have gotten out of the way!"

R2 squealed indignantly and Yoda finally stepped in. "Stop bickering you must, we must take care of these attacking Ewoks. But do this how will we? Formulate a plan we must."

The bickering started again until no one could hear themself think, or Jango vomiting in the corner, when a plothole opened up and a giant blender dropped through it. A voiceover started "IF you blend them, they will come. If you blend them, they will come."

"What is that," Exar asked.

"Well, it looks to me as if a plothole just opened up and a giant blender dropped through it and now we have a creepy voiceover telling us that if we blend the Ewoks, they will come. Who knows who they is though."

"Thank you Captain Obvious," Exar retorted.

"Know what to do, we must," Yoda said. "Blend all the Ewoks we must!"