RETURN OF THE JEDI (Abridged)

[Stephen 0]

MOFF JERJERROD: Welcome to the DS2, Lord Vader.

VADER: Blah-blah-blah? Shut up. My boss sent me here to baby-sit. Just leave me alone.

JERJERROD: Oh, okay? as long as we don?t get in trouble.

VADER: OH! I FORGOT! The Emperor is coming later!

JERJERROD: ?crap?

JABBA?S DOOR: [?Who the hell are you??]

C3-PO: We?re droids.

DOOR: [?Really? No crap!?]

C3-PO: We?re here to place a lightsaber into Jabba?s Palace in the attempt to save Han Solo.

DOOR: [?? ? okay. Come on in!?]

JABBA: [?Hey, sexy! Wanna hug a slug??]

OOLA: [?No, you?re all nasty and stuff!?]

JABBA: [?You sure? We can use this chain in interesting ways.?]

OOLA: [?EWW! You?re vile!?]

JABBA: [?Fine then, ho! SPIKE! Dinner time!?]

RANCOR: [?Mmm? twi?leck!?]

OOLA: *Ouch*

BOUSHH: [?Here?s the Wookie. Give me money.?]

JABBA: [?No? just leave.?]

BOUSHH: [?I?ll blow us up!?]

JABBA: [?Fine? geez!?]

JABBA: [??zzzZZZzzz??]

BOUSHH: Wake up, Han.

HAN: I can?t see!

BOUSHH: Shhhh!

HAN: Who are you?

LEIA: Your biatch!

HAN: Sweeeeeeeeet!

JABBA: [?You fell for the trap!?]

HAN/LEIA: ?crap?

LUKE: I?ve come to free my friends.

JABBA: [?You?re an idiot.?]

LUKE: Will people stop calling me that! I?m grown up and mature now!

JABBA: [?SPIKE! Desert!?]

RANCOR: [?Mmmmm! JEDI!?]

DOOR: [CRASH!]

RANCOR: *Ouch*

JABBA: [?I?m going to kill you all!?]

HAN: Yeah, like we haven?t heard that before!

JABBA: [?To the Sarlaac!?]

HAN: The what-now?

LUKE: A creature that looks like a plastic tube with sand around it.

HAN: Oh? not to bad then.

LUKE: Oh?it also has tentacles.

HAN: [shudders] ?crap?

HAN: Hey! I can see! Oh, wait? no I can?t.

LUKE: Don?t worry, I have a lightsaber and the plan I made.

HAN: Wait? you made the plan?

LUKE: Yep!

HAN: ?crap?

JABBA: [?I?m dead sexy! Look at mah sexy bo-day!?]

LEIA: Eww? you?re repulsive.

JABBA: [?Yeah, I get that a lot. Check out my tongue, baby!?]

LEIA: [Retches]

JABBA: [?Are you guys ready to die now??]

HAN: I have one thing to say to you, Jabba!

JABBA: [?Ah, to beg for mercy, eh??]

HAN: No, just to say that you should never have quit Weight Watchers? you?ve let yourself go to hell in a matter of a few years?

JABBA: [? I know! I eat because I?m lazy; and I?m lazy because I eat. It?s a vicious cycle.?]

LUKE: Let me help you, Jabba.

JABBA: [?Gah! Who cares?! I?m rich! Throw them in!?]

LUKE STUNTMAN: CANNONBALL! [bOING!]

R2-D2: [?Here?s your saber, dude!?]

LUKE: [ignites saber]

SKIFF CREW: Oooooo? green? pretty?

LUKE: [sLICE!]

SKIFF CREW: *Ouch*

SKIFF GUNMAN: [bLAM!]

LANDO: Oh, I fell ovah!

SKIFF GUNMAN: [bLAT!]

LANDO: Oh, I fell ovah again! Help me, Han, you silly boy! I?m too pretty to die!

BOBA: My precioussssssssss?

HAN: Who? What-what! Oops? I hit you.

BOBA: MY PRECIOUS IS LOST! NOOOOOOO?*Ouch*

LANDO: Shame! He looked so cute in his little helmet!

LEIA: [Wraps chain around Jabba] How?s this for S&M, you sick freak!?

JABBA: Ack! Ghck! Whuch!

LEIA: Geez! Your neck rolls are getting in the way. Eww?

JABBA: [Dies]

LEIA: Bout time. LUKE!

LUKE: Geez, she?s hot in that bikini. Check out her?

LEIA: Let?s get out of here.

LUKE: Yeah, okay. Grab the droids.

LEIA: Coming to the fleet?

LUKE: Nope, I have to go see, Yo.

LEIA: [rolls eyes] Luke? it?s YO-DA.

LUKE: [sighs] How many times do I have to tell you people this? He?s on Dagobah, not Yoda.

LEIA: [groans] I give up. See you at the fleet.

LUKE: Geez, you're old.

YODA: Well, duh! 900 years old am I!

LUKE: Is Vader my father?

YODA: Your father he is.

LUKE: THAT'S NOT TRUE! IT'S NOT POSSIBLE! NOOOOOO?

YODA: Oh, shut up. He turned to the darkside and became Vader.

LUKE: Don't worry, I won't confuse things and ask who my mother was.

YODA: Good, don't ask about your sis?[dies]

LUKE: Oh, well... lemme leave.

BEN SPIRIT: You have a sister?

LUKE: No, I don't.

BEN: You have a twin. And you know her.

LUKE: Funny, no woman I know looks anything like me.

BEN: SHH! Don't point that out to the audience.

LUKE: Oh?sorry.

HAN: Lando, you're leading the starfighter attack against the Death Star?

LANDO: Yep! I just love the way the big ball looks!

HAN: Why'd they pick you? You're a little pansy.

LANDO: [Playful slap on the shoulder] Oh, stop it, you!

MON MOTHMA: Look... I'm one of the only three or four females shown in the movie, so I'm the boss.

ACKBAR: Fishy, fishy, fishy, fishy?

MON MOTHMA: Shh! Let's go kill the Death Star...erm...again.

ACKBAR: Fishy, fishy, fishy, fishy?

MON MOTHMA: SHH!

HAN: We're going to the moon to take down the shield.

LEIA: I'm going. You're sexy.

CHEWIE: ["I'm going. She's sexy."]

LUKE: I'm going... uh... I'M sexy.

LANDO: You sure are, hun.

LUKE: Ew...

EMPEROR: Vader.

VADER: 'Sup, boss?

EMPEROR: It's 'My Lord'

VADER: Oop?sorry. 'Sup, My Lord.

EMPEROR: [rolls eyes] Send the fleet to the other side of the moon.

VADER: Why?

EMPEROR: Just do it.

VADER: [looks at camera and lifts shoes] Air Vader by Nike. 'Just do it'.

HAN: We're requesting access to the planet.

CONTROLLER 1: "[snicker] Okay Imperial shuttle. [snicker]"

HAN: They may be onto us.

LEIA: Look, the shields down.

HAN: Guess we're okay.

CONTROLLER 1: "They don't know that we know. The Emperor said to let?"

CONTROLLER 2: "The comm's still on!"

CONTROLLER 1: "Oh, shi?[click]"

VADER: Ready or not; here I come!

HAN: Let me go over there and attract attention.

LEIA: Okay!

HAN: Yo! [punch]

SCOUT: Go for help!

LUKE: Let's go ride the bikes.

LEIA: Weeeeeee! Whoooooaaaaaa.

EWOK: Yub-yub.

HAN: Where's Leia?

LUKE: Wha? Oh, she must've fallen off.

CHEWIE: ["Here's her helmet."]

HAN: Well, she wouldn't just have taken it off. She must be dead. Let's go.

LUKE: Yeah, okay.

EMPEROR: I told you to stay on the ship.

VADER: My son is on the moon.

EMPEROR: Whaaa!? How come you know, and I don't? You better not betray me!

VADER: I won't.

EMPEROR: Go and wait for him.

VADER: He'll find me?

EMPEROR: Yep. Then bring him up here.

VADER: Aight, dude.

EMPEROR: [ahem]

VADER: Uh, I mean, My Lord.

CHEWIE: [?Look a trap with meat.?]

HAN: Mmmmm? meat?

CHEWIE: [?Should we risk it??]

HAN: Sure? not like it?s natives who will eat us, or anything.

CHEWIE: [?Okay then!?]

TRAP: [sWOOSH!]

EWOK: Yub-Yub!

HAN: ?crap?

C-3PO: Goodness-gracious me.

EWOK: [Gasp!] ? [bows and chants]

C-3PO: They think I?m a god.

LUKE: Sweet

EWOK CHIEF: [?We?re gonna eat you! Get in our bellies!?]

LEIA: No! They?re my friends!

EWOKS: So, we have to fee the golden-one.

C-3PO: [Levitates] BOO!

EWOKS: AAUUGHH!

EWOK CHIEF: [?Okay, we?ll help you fight the Empire.?]

LUKE: [To Han] Did we ask for that?

HAN: [To Luke] No, so shut up!

LUKE: Vader is my father.

LEIA: No? that?s not true? it?s not possible.

LUKE: Pssh! That?s what I said? but Yoda confirmed it.

LEIA: Whoa? mind-trip, man.

LUKE: I?m not done. You?re my sister.

LEIA: Naaah! No, way. We look nothing alike.

LUKE: Shh!

LEIA: Oh?sorry.

LUKE: I have to go save him.

LEIA: Okay then. Lemme go cry on Han.

VADER: Ah, son. Welcome back.

LUKE: Turn back to the light.

VADER: No, way, man! Being evil kicks ass!

LUKE: Look what I made, Dad!

VADER: Oooo? green?

LUKE: Okay, let?s go home.

VADER: Nope, gotta take you to the Emperor.

LUKE: ?crap?

EWOKS: [?We?ll distract them. You go inside.?]

HAN: Yeah, okay.

LEIA: We?ve set the charges! Let?s run out into the trap.

HAN: Okay!

LANDO: Everybody?s here, sweetie!

ACKBAR: Fishy, fishy, fishy?ahem! Prepare to go to Hyperspace on my signal.

LANDO: Okay. [Flips switch] Oops? guess I don?t listen well.

ACKBAR: Fishy, fishy, fishy, fishy?

EMPEROR: Ah, young Skywalker. How are you?

LUKE: A little confused, angry, upset?

EMPEROR: It was a rhetorical question.

LUKE: Oh? well, excuuuuuuse me.

EMPEROR: Let me turn you.

LUKE: Nope.

EMPEROR: Your Dad is mine.

LUKE: We?re all going to be dead.

EMPEROR: Your fleet? Yes, I know about it.

LUKE: [Looks out viewport]

EMPEROR: [sticks fingers in ears and sticks out tongue] MY FLEET?S BIGGER THAN YOURS!

LUKE: It?s not fair! I?m telling Dad! Oh, wait?

EMPEROR: Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!

LANDO: Everyone here?

WING LEADERS: Yes.

LANDO: Let?s go spank their bottoms!

WING LEADERS: [roll their eyes]

NIEN NUNB: [?We?re being jammed.?]

LANDO: They knew we were coming. TURN AROUND.

ACKBAR: FISHY! IT?S A TRAP!

LANDO: Well, doi, you silly fish!

TIE FIGHTERS: [bLAST! BLAM! BZZZT! POW!]

REBEL PILOTS: *Ouch*

EMPEROR: We?re killing your friends! We?re killing your friends!

LUKE: STOP IT!

EMPEROR: Here?s your lightsaber; come kill me.

LUKE: No, I don?t want to. It?ll take more than the deaths of no-name pilots to anger me.

EMPEROR: We?ll see? we?ll se?

VADER: [FART] Oops?s?cuse me.

STORMTROOPER: We have the Rebels.

C-3PO: Hello! Come over here so we can attack you!

SCOUTTROOPER: Go get them!

TROOPS: Yes?sir!

EWOKS: [?ATTACK! Look! Our small rocks work against their armor! Who would?ve guessed?!?]

TROOPS: *Ouch*

HAN: Let?s go blow this thing up now.

LEIA: We can?t the door is locked.

R2-D2: [?Move. Let me do it?]

STORMTROOPER: [bLAST!]

R2-D2: *Ouch*

STORMTROOPER: [bZZZT!]

LEIA: You shot me! That really hurt! Honestly? who shoots a princess?

HAN: Lemme grope your cheast really quick while I help you up.

LEIA: Whoo! Feisty! [shoots STORMTROOPER]

HAN: I love you.

LEIA: NOW you tell me?! I?ve already slept with Lobot! I love bald men.

HAN: ?crap?

EMPEROR: Luke, come watch again.

LUKE: What now?

EMPEROR: It?s my new toy; watch.

DEATH STAR II: [bLAM!]

REBEL SHIPS: *Ouch*

LUKE: [ignites Lightsaber]

DARTH VADER: [blocks LUKE?s blow]

EMPEROR: Heh-heh-heh-heh-[COUGH!]

LUKE: I won?t fight you?um?anymore.

VADER: Oh, yeah? [Attacks!]

LUKE: I can feel the good in you.

VADER: Who?s yo daddy?!

LUKE: You can?t kill me. I?m your son.

VADER: Blah-blah-blah? let?s fight.

HAN: Charges are set, let?s go.

LEIA: We did it! Yay!

HAN: Wait! I have to get behind this glass before the charges go off.

LEIA: What glass, Han?

HAN: Oh, yeah? what glass?! There?s no glass there. [Nervous laughter]

IMPERIAL BASE: *Ouch*

VADER: Come out, come out, wherever you are.

LUKE: No. You?ll never get me, or my sister. Oop?crap!

VADER: I?m gonna get your sister! I?m gonna get your sister!

LUKE: NEVER! [Attacks, chopping off VADER?s hand] There? we?re even.

EMPEROR: Good? use your anger. Now take his place. Never liked him anyway.

LUKE: No, I?m a Jedi.

EMPEROR: Oh, well that works too. [LIGHTING]

LUKE: *Ouch*

EMPEROR: You die now!

LUKE: Dad! Help!

VADER: [Thinking] Emperor?Son?Emperor?Son?Emperor?Son?

EMPEROR: This is fun! [More Lightning]

LUKE: DAD! ANYTIME NOW!

VADER: [Picks up Emperor]

EMPEROR: He-he-he! That tickles!

VADER: [Throws him down the power shaft.]

EMPEROR: *Ouch*

LUKE: Dad, are you okay?!

VADER: No, my circuits are shot. Leave me.

LUKE: No, we can save you.

VADER: Nah, I?m old and tired. Lemme look at you once more.

LUKE: [Removes VADER?s mask] Pew! It stinks! When?s the last time you took a bath? And try to use some antibiotic. Those cuts look nasty.

VADER: Sorry? can?t see well without my mask. You ARE a boy, right?

LUKE: Yes, Dad!

VADER: Now, go. Save yourself. Just remember one thing:

LUKE: What?s that, Father?

VADER: Air Vader? Just?do?it. [dies]

LUKE: [Flies away]

LANDO: The shield is down. That sexy hunk of man, Han, must?ve done it!

WEDGE: Let?s go in and blow it up.

LANDO: It?ll be tight, but I love a tight fit.

WEDGE: [shudders] Too much information.

LANDO: [Girlish Giggle] Not, that silly. Clothes.

WEDGE: [shoots torpedoes at Power Core]

DEATH STAR II: *Ouch*

GALAXY CITIZENS: Ding-dong, the old dude?s gone. Which old dude? The Sith old dude. Ding-dong, wicked Sith is gone!

EWOKS: [?Yay! Our rocks worked!?]

LANDO: Go rainbow patrol!

WEDGE: Don?t touch me, Lando!

HAN: I love you, Leia!

ANAKIN/YODA/OBI-WAN GHOSTS: You did it, boy.

LUKE: Wait?Now, what?

[END CREITS]