Fan Feedback

[Mara 29]

Ahh, yeah.

I think I have a document with the whole outline of all all, like, nine parts.. and I have some characters listed there for myself, lol.

It should be okay for now. Not a whole lot has happened.

Part Two is gonna get nasty.

[Drake 53]

Love the story, B! Can't wait to read more!

Just one thing, though. Your first post is a big long one...then your second post is just a repost of half of the first one, lol.

[Mara 29]

Yours is turning interesting, Drake. At first, it seemed a bit boring, as you just got into the culture and planet and explained things. A lot of background information.

But by the end.. there is some suspense. Something to keep me, and others, reading.

I do like this story though. I think it has some great promise, depending on how far you take it. Right now, I can imagine difference ways...

I know how hard it is to come up with an entirely new culture and species and everything. It's hard, lol. I have a silly fantasy story to prove it, lol.

On a humorous note.. I couldn't help imaging Superman flying around in his silly pose with one hand outstretched, the other at his side, when the Jedi were practicing their flying skills.

[Andy 60]

Love the story, B! Can't wait to read more!

Just one thing, though. Your first post is a big long one...then your second post is just a repost of half of the first one, lol.

lol, oops :p

[Drake 53]

Giving them a little wave and a smile as he flew past.

"Hello citizens!"

:p

[Mara 29]

Giving them a little wave and a smile as he flew past.

"Hello citizens!"

Of course!

[Rogue 4]

Okay, Rogue, I read yours...

It's intriguing... different cultures interest me, lol. And I'm assuming that's what this is about.. the Daan and the .. I forget. I figure they are just different cultural groups of humans, not completely different species.

And I like the small details, like earlier where you mention the rodent scurrying away. Things like that that don't seem important, but really bring life and reality to a story.

Oh. and..... I think the last part of your story, repeats, lol.

I'll say more later, I'm just really tired right now.

Thanks. The world Melida/Daan is taken from the Jedi Apprentice books the Defenders of the Dead and The Uncertain Path. If I haven't explained the situation well enough in the story I'll quote Jude Watson:.(this is during Obi-wan's early apprenticeship)

The bloody civil war on Melida/Daan had been raging for 30 years. It was a continuation of a conflict that had lased for centuries. The two warring peoples, the Melida and the Daan, couldn't even agree on a name for their planet. The Melida called it Melida and the Daan called it Daan. In a compromise, the Galactic Senate used both names separated by a slash mark.

Every town and city on the planet was hotly contested, with territory taken and lost in a continuing series of battles. The captial city of Zehava was under siege much of the time, as the boundaries between Daan and Melida constantly shifted.

And I've been trying to throw in little details like that ^^ If the story repeated it's cause the post button stuck...but someone must have fixed it.

[Mara 29]

Ah, okay. I never read the Jedi Apprentice books.

[Rogue 4]

Obi-wan started crushing on one of the Youth Leaguers, Cerasi, and he left the Jedi Order to help them. Together he, Cerasi and Neild led them into taking control of Melida Daan.

But after Cerasi was assassinated peace was short-lived.

[Radioactive Isotope 29]

i love those books.....

[Mara 29]

I just never got to them. Or the Young Jedi Knight ones.

[Rogue 4]

*Dies of shock*

YJK is a NECESSITY! *Swoons at the thought of Zekk*

[Drake 53]

*promptly reminds her of the Jaina-Zekk bughugger connection*

[Rogue 4]

*whimpers and throws lightsaber." Ass....

[Mara 29]

Meh. There's enough of Zekk in the NJO and after.

[Rogue 4]

Yeah but he's cute in his teens. And you learn new things about him....

Like how he became a pyromaniac, almost destroyed the Grand Massassai Temple, and can't dress himself for a formal dinner :shifty:

[Mara 29]

:roll:

Anyway.. I shall be working on Part Two soon... and try to post within a couple weeks.

[Mara 29]

Chicken, would you recommend Fiction Press? Or another writing/posting site?

I am a member at a writing forum and post stuff there for critiques.. but I've been wondering about finding another place so my stories get more exposure.

Or would anyone else have a site to recommend?

[Chickenman 9]

I would very much reccomend fictionpress. Although it's pretty crowded, so it might not be easy to much exposure. Heck, I'm still trying to figure out how to get it. Better than any alternative I can think of though.

[Mara 29]

Hmm, okay.

Maybe I shall give it a go, sometime.

[Mara 29]

I've caught up on your story, Drake, and I have to say, I really like your writing style. It flows very easily, it's easy to read.

Almost makes me feel like my own writing is crap.

The introduction of the Hand is interesting... Brings something new to the story, because I have to say that the Kiro/Virago thing was slowly getting tedious, but with a new enemy coming soon, things should be picking up, and I'm looking forward to reading more.

I have one question, Drake... have you ever taken writing classes? Or is this merely a hobby? 'Cause if it is, I'd say keep with it.

[Mara 29]

Caught up yours, as well, Rogue....

You have a different writing style, but I like it... it's fairly dialogue based... And sometimes that is hard to do without having too much.

I do have to say that I was getting a bit confused at the end of chapter one, with all the Melida and Daan and who's who and all that....

But reading the "prologue" for the next chapter, I realize you're not going to focus more on the Youth League angle.. I think focusing just on Katri (and having the first chapter as a prologue of sorts or a back story on her, which works now that I see more of the story), is a good choice. At the beginning I thought Kiet was your main character, but with this slavery sub story, I think it has real potential.

Can't wait to read more.

[Drake 53]

I've caught up on your story, Drake, and I have to say, I really like your writing style. It flows very easily, it's easy to read.

Almost makes me feel like my own writing is crap.

The introduction of the Hand is interesting... Brings something new to the story, because I have to say that the Kiro/Virago thing was slowly getting tedious, but with a new enemy coming soon, things should be picking up, and I'm looking forward to reading more.

I have one question, Drake... have you ever taken writing classes? Or is this merely a hobby? 'Cause if it is, I'd say keep with it.

Why thank you!

And I've sort of taken writing classes. More of creative script writing in college and having to write the odd short story in high school. I think it's just from writing in Star Wars RPGs and in the Psycho Jedi story for years, I just picked it up.

[Mara 29]

Nice.

I took a screenwriting class in college, as well. As long as lots of other writing classes.

[Mara 29]

Rogue.. yours is getting interesting. I like the interplay between Katri and Ayy. They seem to have good (platonic) chemistry together, as most friends do.

I do have one comment, more of an FYI, though, the first paragraph of your second to last post: It's all in first person till the last sentence, which is third person. And the whole rest of the piece is also third.

If you want to keep first person, perhaps the last sentence needs to be changed or just added to the next paragraph.

But I'm really looking forward to more. : )