The Republic Rangers - The Beginning - Intermission

[Winters 0]

Again... there are no characters... I'm just a historian...

[Mara 29]

:roll:

[Drake 53]

Just humour him, Mara. :p

[Winters 0]

I do NOT require humouring! FOR I! Am a Historian!

[Mara 29]

Oh. Right.

Dontcha remember that Kaden almost married Leia?

Duh.

I would he ever met one of those Rangers....

[Winters 0]

Don't know... maybe I could write a cross over of the Rangers and Revenant Squadron... Rangers will be trained in Space warfare... so it might work..

[Mara 29]

Ahahaha.

[Mara 29]

Comments on what I've read so far--

Overall -- I think it might be easier to read, perhaps, if you didn't quote it? Unless this is a device you're using to tell the story. Even though I know what you're getting at (you are telling James's story, the quotes may not be entirely necessary... but, either way, it works).

Overture:

I think this is good, but I would try to use a different transition to explain his deviation from the main story, especially the second time. You use almost the same words "back to the main story." I mean, variety is good. Unless James is just like that, using the same words all the time.

Act One:

"Which he then sighed." -- this is worded awkwardly. Maybe just "he then sighed" if you want it short, or "which caused him to sigh."

"Tom walked out to the door and waved the man in. As the man walked in." -- This also seems a bit awkward to me. I would make it all one sentence.

"she graced in, moving with extreme grace, " -- again, repetition here. I would place one of the 'graces' with something else. Maybe "she flowed in, moving with extreme grace."

For the flashback... I would go with something more... traditional. Instead of writing out "flashback," go more with something like "I remembered.... etc." Or just skip it all together. Italics generally can note flashbacks on their own.

Overall, though.. this is a good, intriguing start to a story.

I have one concern though-- I really hope your James has some sort of weakness. Because right now, he almost seems perfect. Never been shot, can use any weapon, can fly anything, has the Force, has met almost every important Rebel and New Republic personality, been to all the big battles.. I mean, seriously.. he doesn't seem all that real, in that aspect.

I'll get to Act 2 soons.

Edited April 25, 2008 by Mara

[Winters 0]

1). People naturally don't use large amounts of words. People use certain words a great deal. It's in our nature.

The REAL problem with James is the one that will NEVER get seen by anybody BUT Tom...

*looks around*

I'll devulge flaws...

1). James will do no work... Wonder why Tom's there? To do all the paper work... (not a major thing, but it's big for Tom).

2). James is limited on some Force abilities. Like most Jedi, he lacks the ability to have easy access to the Future... as in visions He peers into it and sees the inside of his eyelids. James also doesn't heal well, both himself and others.

3). He doesn't really have many flaws as a person... he's kinda the nice guy who just want to get a wife and all that, but he's doing this little thing and has a war to do.

4). He's a hopeless Romantic, and he keeps that to himself, only because the battlefield isn't a good place to show it. It'll come out during the an Opera that'll come out soon, called "The Date", which will involve a date between Claire and James... which will end tragically...

[Mara 29]

All right. But I would just keep in mind that no one is perfect. ;)

[Drake 53]

James clearly doesn't like to share his major flaws in case his enemies get that information and exploit it.

;)

[Winters 0]

It's more of... he doesn't have any flaws as a person (with the hopeless romantic problem you'll see later), but his domain is politics and the battlefield... although I might have him break down at the death of a soldier.

The real flaw is that James is emotional, which works and hurts him.

[Drake 53]

If he becomes so emotionally attached to his men that it hinders him when he loses one, yeah, that would be a flaw. Well...not so much a flaw as that sounds like a bad thing. Uhh...I dunno what I would call it, lol.

[Mara 29]

Flaws are bad things, aren't they? :p

[Jake Durron 23]

Umm.... Mara... Didn't you just say he needed some?....

[Mara 29]

Yes.... flaws are good for stories.

But flaws on a person are generally negative things... just means they are human.

[Winters 0]

Also, defense of my writing style...

1). I will NEVER say... "I remember..." because that's just plain cheesy... it breaks up flow... the idea is to have the awkward moment, then the sudden flash back that would explain why it was an awkward moment. I also put flashback and /flashback as a mini-joke and just incase everyone doesn't think italics as flashbacks, because italics also denote internal dialogue.

2). I'll quote everything because, in my opinion, it looks nicer. It organisizes it easly and will seperate any notes I might want to make at the top.

3). I chose to start off the Overture the way it is for a reason, it's ment to give VERY general information and kinda introduce to reader to the idea of the Rangers, I'm not going to write a monologue or anything simliar to an introduction because I believe that it works the way I wrote it because of the fact that it is not traditional. My writing will be different at times, because I'm going to end up writing completely crazy items at the weirdist times. Which causes me to write a scene or Overture to the Battle of Mindor from the eyes of a lizard or some small animal. Originally, I was planning to start off every "opera" with an interview, but now I'm starting to get more... adventurous.... but as allways, with bad spelling.

[Pandora 77]

Flaws are negative things. And in James' case, emotional investment in his men IS a flaw. It's important to care about them, yes, that's a good thing, but any soldier will tell you that war makes you hard for a good reason. James needs to be able to separate himself from losses, which he cannot do. Therefore he is human. And therefore he is flawed.

I also think that "I remember" is cheesy. It's more akward than a flashback. I got that joke, btw.

I think the story is great. The only opportunities for improvement that I see are merely grammatical, but not oppressive or distracting. I like how you brank out from the usual style. It's not often you'll see someone brave enough to write a drama.

[Winters 0]

Drama!? HA! It's a Histo-Docu-Drama-Romanti-Comedy!