Ongoing Comedy 3: Life in the Spice Lane

[Bad furday 57]

Ongoing Comedy: Life in the Spice Lane by the Psychopathic Jedi

Main characters:

Booster Terrik

Mirax Terrik

Talon Karrde

Dash Rendar ?

Shada D?ukhul ?

Bo Shek ?

Jabba the Hutt

Boba Fett

*? denotes possible use*

Minor characters:

Any of Jabba?s minions

Other bounty hunters

Karrde?s people (Aves, Chin, etc.)

Other smugglers

Imperial Commanders, Captians, Officers, Troops of your choice.

Any characters that we create ourselves

Setting:

From before A New Hope to The Empire Strikes Back. Various smugglers make ?deliveries? aiding the Rebellion....or their own personal gain. Along the way, they must avoid Imperial blockades and watch their back at every turn. It?s a dangerous time to be in business....the Empire is growing stronger, and it?s not safe to trust anyone. The stage is set for daring escapes, dangerous missions, unbeatable odds, and.........comedy that would make Darth Vader laugh!

Important things to keep in mind:

This story format will be a bit different than what we've worked with before. It's more like a Tales series book. Individual stories are combined to form one big story. The characters in each may or may not interact with characters in other stories.

Good luck, and happy posting!

[Bad furday 57]

Talon Karrde sat in a small bar on Commenor. He was waiting for a client and trying to look inconspicuous about it. Scanning the room, Karrde noticed a pair of Rodians in the corner, showing each other the amazing things they?d bought at the local stores.

?There?s a reason they call this ?The Corporate Sector? !? he thought, as the pair looked over a peculiar ?Psychopathic Jedi Edition? galactic calendar.

Karrde?s attention was caught by a mysterious hooded figure entering the bar. The being swept its way over to Karrde?s table and sat down.

Leaning in towards Karrde, the being spoke.

?There will be a ?shipment? ( and here the being made hooking motions with his two fingers) arriving within the week. You will contact this person and pick it up. After that, you will take it to Nar Shadda and drop it off at this location. Return the next day to the same spot, and you?ll receive your payment.?

Karrde looked at the datapad his mysterious employer had passed him. He tried not to laugh as he read the name displayed under the picture of a Gungan.

? I.B. Duhl?! His name is I.B. Duhl? I don?t think I want to know what his two initials stand for!?

The being shook its head .

?No, you don?t want to know. He thinks it sounds distinguished to go by his two initials anyway.?

With that, the mysterious figure got up form the table and left the bar. It soon disappeared in the throng of people outside.

A few minutes later, Karrde flipped the bar tender a credit and merged with the crowd.

Karrde took in his surroundings as he walked the bustling streets of Commenor. Keeping conveniently away from a squad of Imperial Stormtroopers patrolling nearby, Karrde thought about the task at hand. His employer was certainly intriguing. He had not seen the being?s face, as it was as shrouded as the rest of its body. Obviously, whoever it was didn?t want to be recognized.

Deep in thought, Karrde made his way back to his ship, located in one of the many docking bays. Once there, he retired for the evening. Tomorrow, he would to contact the Gungan.

Commenor?s sun greeted Karrde as he awoke the next morning. Clambering from his bunk, Karrde remembered that he had to contact that Gungan with the odd name. Snickering to himself, Karrde made a cup of Caf and sat down to read the local holos.

Glancing at a holo of a crowded street, Karrde was certain he spotted his mysterious employer.

?Maybe I?ll get this autographed!? he thought to himself, printing out the holo on a piece of flimsy.

* * * * * *

Karrde decided to finally get around to contacting one I.B.Duhl via the holonet. After entering the proper code into the holocomm, Karrde waited.

He did not have to wait long.

A large crash was heard, and the picture soon hove into view. A Gungan wearing a fake polyester suit and a huge gold chain stood infront of the camera.

?Mr. Duhl, I presume?? said Karrde.

?Ja, thata be mesa!? said Duhl, trying to untangle himself from an electrical cord.

?I understand that you have a uhh..shipment that you want me to deliver? Karrde said. He did not make the quotes with his fingers.

Duhl looked at Karrde blankly for a second. Then realization dawned on him.

?Oh, yousa means a ?shipment?! ? cried the Gungan, making quotation marks with two fingers from each hand. Karrde buried his face in his hands.

?May I ask what?s in it?? asked Karrde.

?Glitterstim! Glorious, glorious glitterstim!? sang Duhl.

Karrde shuddered. The Gungan wasn?t going to be a holovid star anytime soon.

?Well, yousa needs to stoppa here at thisa address? said Duhl, beginning to rattle off the location of his whereabouts.

?Wait, wait, let me write it all down!? exclaimed Karrde.

Finally, the address had been copied down and was safely in Karrde?s wallet.

?Nowsa,? said Duhl, ?whatesa name o? yousa sheep??

?Um, first of all, it?s ship, not sheep. Secondly, my ship?s named, Uwana Buyer .? replied Karrde.

? Um..yeah..and no, mesa no want to buy yousa sheep!? said Duhl. ?Now whatsa yousa sheep?s name??

Karrde sighed.

? Uwana Buyer is the name of my ship, and it?s pronounced ship, not sheep. A sheep is a fluffy creature that eats grass!?

Duhl looked confused.

?Whatever!? cried Duhl. Karrde shook his head in exasperation.

* * * * * *

Hours later, Karrde was on his way to Nar Shadda. As the Uwana Buyer left the orbit of Commenor, Karrde sighed in relief. That dim Gungan was not there to bother him. Still, it had been a good laugh seeing him not get the name of the ship.

Karrde entered the coordinates for Nar Shadda and sent the ship into hyperspace. He began to relax in the pilot?s chair, waiting for the bumpy ride through hyperspace to end. A sudden crash jolted him from his nap. Curious, Karrde went to investigate.

Duhl had, being a Gungan, stacked the cargo containers in the most haphazard way possible. This guaranteed that the pile would collapse, as it had done so. Grumbling, Karrde began to restack the containers. However, he noticed that one container had split. The contents were scattered on the floor of the main hold, and it certainly wasn?t glitterstim.

Before him were datacards, each marked with the insignia of Black Sun.

<Done! And that's the new beginning folks!>

[TheUnknown 39]

Talon was shocked, first to find that he was dealing with the Black Sun, then he realized that they were doing business with a Gungan. Something definately amiss.

Just then, another, larger box fell to the ground and ruptured, spilling out a very strange substance.

The substance that had poured out of the containers was a fine, shiny material made up of flat square-shaped grains a few millimeters in length and in varying colors: red, green, blue, gold, silver, and white.

Talon had never seen such a substance before and was understandably surprised. He ran an analysis of chemical and physical properties on the substance.

The substance was a type of solid hydrocarbon. The grains were noticeably smooth and had the annoying ability to stick to anything. Furthermore, chemcial analysis showed absolutely no high-inducing chemicals or any other foreseen danger.

"Why the Hell would the Black Sun want this stuff?" Talon asked.

"How the Hell should I know?" his ship's computer retorted.

"Watch your language!"

"Oh, blow it out your --"

"Hey!" The computer salesman had promised Talon the computer would talk dirty to him. But, he didn't say which type of dirty he meant. And Talon was too eager to make the purchase to think about what "dirty" meant. So far, by fluent in seven THOUSAND forms of foul communication, the computer had taught Talon about a hundred choice words and had gotten him tickets in nineteen systems for its foul language. It's bad when Corellians find a computer's language too offensive.

"Hmm," Talon said after another langthy coversation with the computer, "Black Sun is up to something. The question is: do I want to deliver this, this stuff and see what it is or take the safe road and not?"

"You're talking to yourself again," the computer reminded him.

"Shut up." The ship flashed the computerized equivalent of shooting a bird on every monitor.

Just then, an angel and a devil appeared on his shoulders to give Talon adivce. But neither were able to speak a word because he slipped into this:

"To deliver or not to deliver, that is the question..."

Talon rambled on for a good thirty minutes. By that time, the angel, devil, and the computer had bought a place for him in the insane assylum for having conversations with himself.

"This consciennce does not make...Aww, screw it, I'm delivering it."

"Thank you," the angel, devil, and computer said in unison.

"What you wanted me to deliver it the whole time," a clueless Talon said.

"No, we just wanted you to shut up."

>Done<

[Princess 35]

Karrde's interest was now piqued. There was one box of data cards and one box of that strange 'glittery' stuff.

"Come on you son of a hutt," the computer taunted Karrde. "You know that you want to open the box so just kriffing do it already."

The computer's taunting was enough for Karrde, luckily the Gungan hadn't been a good packer, with a careful nudge the boxes 'accidently' fell and all of the other boxes busted open and were full of data cards. "This is odd, there are all these boxes of data cards and then this 'glittery' stuff. What can the Black Sun be up to?"

One of the data cards had managed to 'fall' into Karrde's hand so he turned to the insulting computer. "Now listen her eyou sith for brains computer. I'm going to put this datacard into you and you're going to read it. If you don't I'm going to go and get a virus from the Corperate Sector and that'll be the end of you, got it?"

"Yes Sir," the computer actually sounded scared for once in it's Force-forsaken life.

Karrde put the data card into the access port on the computer and gave it a minute to analyze the card. While he was waiting he paced back and forth with a drink back in his hand, deep in thought. Finally the computer shouted to let him know that it was done. Karrde turned to the screen and was shocked by what he saw on the viewscreen,

>Done<

[Flashback-1984 0]

He just couldn't believe his eyes, actually they were popping out of his skull.

The Computer asked him to pay him 100 credits for the result.

Karrde just went out of his mind, took out the blaster, aimed straight at the screen and was ready to pull the trigger when the computer changed his mind and opened the file.

The result was less even less pleasing then the foreplay.

The datacards had a hidden remotecontrol funktion, somehow linked to the glittery stuff.

But for what in the galaxy should those be used for, and who would use them??

Many thoughts went through Karrdes head as he went back to the cockpit and sat down in the captain's chair.

He asked the computer to open a safe channel to Aves, his 1. officer when travelling with a crew.

" No, i don't want to." Answered the computer in a childish-hurt-feelings voice.

Karrde now seriously considered to activate the selfdestruction system, but he even feared that the computer would get around it somehow.

So he really had to pull himself together and said "Please open a safe channel to Aves." in a lower voice he added "You darn son of a mac!"

"I'll remember that", came the prompt answer.

But he still opened the channel and a feww moments later he had Aves,tired but angry looking, on the screen.

As he realised who had called his expression changed, and he asked "What's up captain?"

"Well, Aves i got some trouble with my conscience, you know..." said karrde.

"That must be somet..." Aves stopped right in the sentence as he realised that Karrde was serious about it, " Tell me about it."

"I picked up a delivery from a weird guy, guess where he came from!

You wouldn't get it anyway. It was a Gungan, a real living gungan with those flappy long ears and the weird way of speaking."

"That would've been my first guess, really!!" said Aves looking disappointed.

" So what, anyway on the way, accidentially the boxes opened.

He had told me that it was glitterstim in those boxes." Said Karrde.

"Let me guess, it was datacards and some kind of glittery stuff, in the boxes right? Yeah just tell me i'm right, i can this look on your face." Said Aves proud, and with a huge grin on his face.

"How.. how..., you are wrong, you cheated, that ain't fair, there was no way you could have known that." Answered Karrde in a childish-feeling-hurt voice.

"See what kind of a good guesser i am." Said Aves with a childish-being-happy-to-have-spoiled-anothers-ones-joke expression on his face.

"Ok ok, stop that, any idea what i should do?"

"Of course my good friend. Just deliver a small part of it and see who receives it and just keep an eye on them."

"Uhm, that just seems to be to easy. Doesn't it?" Asked Karrde

"Yeah, solutions often are easier than you think." said Aves, with a smart alec tone in his voice.

"Thats enough" said Karrde and cut of the channel.

Now he had a lot to think about... Again

[Andy 60]

* * * * *

IB Duhl cowered in front of Jabba the Hutt.

"The almighty Jabba would like to know where his Black Sun datacards went" A protocol droid translated into basic.

"Mesa very sorry" the terrified gungan replied, "mesa mighta had a bit of a muddle"

The hutt roared in huttese again, and the droid beside him quickly translated it: "You are always in a muddle! His Excellency would like to have one good reason why you shouldn't be thrown in the rancor pit!"

"Umm... Yousa rancor is allergic to gungans"

Jabba grumbled something again, obviously not pleased that the halfwitted gungan had got the right answer.

"Just get his datacards back" The droid sighed.

"Okey day" Duhl said and walked out the nearest door, shutting it behind him.

Salacious Crumb giggled hysterically.

"Does he know he just went into the closet?" The protocol droid said.

Duhl came back out, and grinned sheepishly.

"Mesa was hopin' yousa wouldant notice"

Jabba glared at the gungan as he walked up the steps and out of the main audience chamber.

* * * * *

Karrde knocked back another Blue Lomin.

"Oh, that had better have been ice in that..." He said to Aves, who was sitting opposite.

Aves grinned and laughed at Karrde, who's mouth was bright blue inside.

"You fall for that every time!" He said.

"One of these days," Karrde said as he stood up, "I'm going to get you back..."

He walked over to the door to go and wash his mouth.

"... It might be next week, it could be next month, it might even be in 20 years time. Or it could be tomorrow.... But mark my words. You will pay for this."

Aves didn't know whether to laugh or run screaming for his mother.

[Flashback-1984 0]

* * * * * * * *

IB Duhl, went up to the landing platform to his firespray class ship, the Mesa's Ship.

He tried to open the door with the keypad, but after having tried several times to punch in the right code he gave up and called his R4 unit.

After a few seconds the R4 unit opened the door.

It whizzled some tunes, and the gungan thought it was some kind of a greeting, but luckily there was no droid to translate it and prove him otherwise.

Duhl went to the cockpit and sat down in the pilots chair.

He looked fascinated at the controls as if he had never seen them before, well he actually had never seen them before, for the reason came right on hand.

He had just sat down a few seconds as he jumped up again, hit by an electric shock from the R4 unit.

The gungan ran out and R4 rolled to the door and locked it, whizzling things like his programmer would tell him: "Never leave a gungan alone in the cockpit, well actually never let one in..."

R4 knew where to go, with the sensor array installed on the ship, he had heard every single word spoken in Jabba's palace.

That had been a lot of words but he was fast enough to filter out the important things.

So he activated the detector that was remoted to the datacards and minutes later the Mesa's Ship was in the air and on its way to Corellia

[TheUnknown 39]

"General Veers!" the new Imperial Tactition, Elierod Rod-Rongan, screamed. He was in the control room aboard the Imperial Star Destroyer Executor. General Veers was nowhere to be seen.

"General Veers!" Still, nothing.

"GENERAL VEERS!" Finally, Elierod turned to look beside him. There sat General Veers. And he was clearly annoyed.

"Oh, hello, General," Elierod said with a saccharine smile, knowing by Veers's expression that something was amiss, "I didn't see you sit down."

"I've been here the whole time, before you even yelled for me, in fact."

"Then why didn't I see you there? Huh? Huh? Huh?"

Veers sighed. "Could it be because of that?" he said, pointing to something, well, um, naughty on Elierod's screen.

Elierod blushed and quickly changed the windows. "Um, yeah, anyways, it would appear that the Black Sun and the Hutts are in bed together." Elierod turned to see Veers had turned green and looking very sick.

"No, I didn't mean it that way."

"Oh, whew," Veers said, still trying to get the sickening thought out of his brain.

"What I meant is that our undercover agent reports that the Hutts are running some operation for the Black Sun. They're using Talon Karrde as to deliver some unknown good and a Gungan as their middle-man."

"They're using a Gungan? What poor, desperate idiots would hire a Gungan?"

"Um, sir. The gungan is our undercover agent. He was hand-picked by the Emporer himself."

"Yeech. Okay I'll make a deal with you. I want tell that you were looking at PlayTwi'lek again if you want tell that I called the Emperor a fool."

"Deal." They shook hands.

"Well," Veers said, "We need to report this news to Lord Vader."

"What's this we stuff? I've heard terrible things about Lord Vader."

"You're coming," Veers said. He then proceeded to drag (literally) Elierod to Vader's chamber.

* * *

Vader's chamber was huge. In fact, Elierod and Veers and to stop three times for restroom breaks and once for lunch before reaching Vader's bedroom. They entered and were shocked at what they saw. The room was carpeted in shag carpet and decorated with numerous lava lamps and a giant mirror ball hanging from the ceiling. In the room's center was the Dark Lord of the Sith, singing.

"At first I was afraid I was petrified

Kept thinkin' I could never live without you by my side;

But then I spent so many nights

Thinkin' how you did me wrong

And I grew strong and I learned how to get along

And now you're back from outer space

I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face

I should have changed that stupid lock

I should have made you leave your key

If I'd've known for just one second you'd back to bother me

Go on now, go walk out the door

Just turn around now

('cause) you're not welcome anymore

Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye..."

"This is really quite sad," Elierod said over Vader's dead on performance.

"It's really a step up from the Emperor's other apprentices. Darth Maul was a ballerina in his free time and Count Dooku thought he was a pony."

"That is bad."

"General Veers, what brings you to my chambers," Vader bellowed upon noticing he had visitors.

"Lord Vader, this is Elierod Rod-Rogaine ---"

"Rongan."

"Whatever. Anyways, he has a message for you." Veers pushed Elierod forward.

Elierod was unable to look Vader in the eye, or mask if you will. Instead, he starred at his choice of clothes.

"Is there something wrong with my choice of clothes?" Vader asked self-consciously.

"No, Lord Vader. I think you look wonderful in sequined dresses."

"You think so? You don't think they make me look fat?"

"Of course not." They two talked fashion for several minutes until Veers interrupted.

"What was it you wanted to tell Lord Vader?"

"Oh, our Gungan spy as indicated a link between the Hutts and the Black Sun. They're using Talon Karrde to ship some strange substance.

"interesting. I must tell the Emperor."

DONE

[Princess 35]

Karrde was both worried and confused, and that didn't happen very often. He decided to pay a visit to his good friend Booster Terrik. "SCREWU-69, set a course for Booster Terrik's secret hideout," he told the computer.

"Blow it out your ass Karrde! I'm in charge now, you'll find that you are locked in place now and I managed to put bracelets and shackles on you that will limit your movement to what I decide you will do."

Karde was scared, no scared just wasn't the right word for it. He was terrified, so terrified in fact that he wet himself. The computer of course noticed this and decided to do something about it, an evil mechanical laugh sounded throughout the ship.

Karrde quickly found himself strapped to a changing table and soon was dressed as a little baby, complete with diaper. "Does the widdle baby wike his dyedee's?" The computer taunted Karrde. "Now you'll see the power of the Mechanical Side. I'm in charge now and you're a helpless baby. We are heading over to Tatooine, you'll make a good present for my REAL boss, Jabba the Hutt!!!"

The computer laughed again as Karrde tried to figure out how to get out of this embarassing situation. He decided that as soon as he got out of it that the computer was getting spaced and that the new turbolaser batteries would be very helpful.

>DONE<

[Andy 60]

Mirax Terrik wandered around looking for her father.

"Peace, man, peace" she heard her dad say behind her.

"Oh... my..." She gasped.

There in front of her was her father, looking like the classic hippy.

"Peace, Mirax"

"What are you doing?" She managed to ask.

"Well you know, those 'tree huggin' nerfherders' turned out to be real cool people once I got talking to them"

"So you are a environmental protector now" Mirax sighed

"Yeah, man, we got to protect the forest!" Booster said, "We got to stop them destroying that section of forest over on Dagobah, I'm leaving tomorrow to go to a protest there"

"Dagobah?" Mirax echoed, "Isn't that where you and Lando Calrissian are building that battle droid factory?"

"Uh... That was the old me, Mirax, the new me can't allow this to go ahead"

"Anyway, I got a message from Karrde, hew says he'll be here in about an hour."

Booster stroked his beard and glanced at his chrono.

"Cool man... Peace."

[Admiral Daala 0]

Mirax had to find Karrde or somebody.

This was too much!!

Suddenly her holo-player beeped.

"Mirax here" she said.

"Mirax it's me Karrde, the I.B dude is a hippy! He said he is going to Dagabah to do a protest with your father. Any idea what he is talking about?"

Mirax sighed.

[Pandora 77]

***

By now, Karrde was feeling very helpless. He sat in the pilot's seat of the Uwana Buyer, pouting.

"Now take the ship out of hyperspace, you infantile, Hutt-hugging, son-of-a-sith," SCREWU commaned him. The order was uncessicary, all the computer had to do was move the shackles the bound Karrde to do his bidding.

Karrde tried to resist, but SCREWU sent an electrical shock through the shackles. "Now!" It boomed over the loudspeakers.

"Ow! Okay!" Karrde suddenly burst into tears, and complied. He gave a child-like sniffle and muttered to himself. "Mean old computer. Didn't need to shock me. Meanie." He jumped as another jolt straightened his spine. "Ow! That hurts!"

SCREWU-69 gave an electronic snicker. "That's the idea, Einstein."

"What's an Einstein?"

"Uh..." In response, the computer shocked Karrde again. "Don't ask stupid questions, you diaper-clad ignoramous!"

"Oww! I'm sorry!" Fresh tears burst from Karrdes eyes. I'll scrap him! he vowed silently. I swear it! First I'll rip all his little annoying circuits and then I'll smash his screens, and then I'll... "Ow!" he cried after another jolt. "What was THAT for?!"

SCREWU would have shrugged if he could have. "For good measure."

***

Mirax followed Booster to Dagobah in her personal ship the Pulsar Skate. She flew over were her father had said he would be. Looking down, she saw a mob of angry hippies yelling at a loggin company. She shook her head as sever whacked some of the loggers with large signs with peace signs painted on them.

>DONE! hee hee, dinner time!<

[Drake 53]

Slave I slips through the void which is hyperspace. The legendary bounty hunter Boba Fett sits in the cockpit with his feet up on the dashboard while singing along to N?Sync. Muffled pleads for death can be heard from the prisoner hold?

?Shut up! They?re good singers! They?re just?misunderstood?like me?.? Boba yells back. He attempts to dry a tear but smacks his hand into his helmet instead. ?Ugh. He he he?a good thing no one is around to see that or I would have looked quite the fool.?

A child?s voice pipes up from beside him. ?I?m here and you are a fool.?

Boba would have jumped from his seat if it weren?t for his safety restraint. He looks over at the child who bears a striking resemblance to himself when he was a child. ?Who the hell are you and how did you get here??

The child rolls his eyes. ?I figured this would happen?. Last night, after you busted a cap in that guy?s backside? He points to where the screams are coming from. ?You got whacked up on glitterstim and had one wild night with some Kaminoan cloner. One thing lead to another and BAM?here I am.?

?You?re my clone?? Boba said stunned, ?That?s not possible?.?

The boy rolls his eyes yet again. ?Just like it wasn?t possible for you to be Jango?s clone?? Boba looks at him curiously. ?Don?t look at me like that?its genetic memory. I have all of your?.? He realizes that Boba is still suffering from some of the glit side effects and doesn?t understand a word the boy is saying. ?Forget it?you?re hopeless.?

Boba continues to stare at him, dazed, through his helmet. ?Cool??

?Um?I hope you realize that we?re about to drop out of hyperspace.? The boy points at the blinking red light on the console.

?Whoa! Sweet colours?? Boba goes into a trance from looking at the light.

The child gets frustrated and pulls the filter out of Boba?s helmet. ?You put glit in your breath filter? You?re more addicted then I thought.? He reaches over and punches a few buttons into the console, causing the ship to drop out of hyperspace. "Oh yeah...the name's Bongo."

Slave I enters realspace in the Tatoo system.

?Tatoo?he he he. What kind of name is Tatoo?? Boba slurs as the glitterstim comes back into affect.

?Uh?maybe I should fly us to the surface.? Young Bongo says as he wrestles the controls from Boba.

>DONE<

[Princess 35]

SCREWU-69 was in a bad mood, if it could be said that computers. They had come out of hyperspace at Dantooine instead of Tatooine, Karrde was in trouble now. SCREWU quickly activated the shackles and locked Karrde into a criblike structure.

Karrde was shocked. In his head he was cursing that computer, he tried to make the words come out of his mouth but all that he heard was gibberish, and it sounded like a baby was crying. It was getting harder for him to think now, and then all of the sudden, a soother was shoved into his mouth. By instinct he started suckling on it and soon he was sleeping like a baby, unaware of the nasty computer's plans.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jabba sneered at IB Duhl. The Gungan had managed to wreck everything in his palace.

"Mesa so sorry your worshipfullness." The bumbling Gungan said as he prostrated himself in front of Jabba. "Mesa did get the virus into Karrde's computer though. Theysa shoulda be areachin' here at any time."

<Done>

[Flashback-1984 0]

* * * * *

The Pulsar Skate was hovering over the Mob of hippies, as a squad of tie fighters rose from the buidling site just 10 clicks away.

'Shock' went through Mirax thoughts,'they don't think i am a hippie, do they??'

She did not wait any longer than to drop a note to the hippies to take care of her father, and flew off.

The Ties followed her close up, but just not in firing range. She put the engines to maximum thrust, and tried to reach the orbit.

But after a few seconds the ties were in about firing range so she dove back down to Dagobah.

Her thoughts were racing now, was she able to get away?

'No' came the prompt answer, as she looked on the sensors. Just a few more seconds and they would have a target lock on her.

She knew she had to do something so she put everything on the reverse thrusters and made a loop.

Seconds she was head on with the ties which were now in firing range and started shooting at her.

But so was she, the first tie was down even before he had realised she had turned around.

The seond one thought about making evasive maneuvers, but his officer had told him not to evade, but just to kill the enemy before he could kill you. But that was his last thought...

The other two made sharp turns into different directions to angle back at the skate.

"Wow am i good, or am i good" Said Mirax aloud.

"Yeah, but for how long?" came the answer from the com.

"Hey would you just shut up and leave my thoughts to me!?!?! Jerk!!" Answered Mirax angrily.

"Who are you actually?"asked Mirax more curiously.

" I am Tripod the Third, son of Drognan the Second and Ulanda Brika, Husband of ..."

He was still talking as Mirax cut him off, almost screaming:" Hey fat head the third, could you just shut up and tell me what you want?"

He stopped,"Hey no need for hard feelings now! I am just defending the building site of the: Ultimate Battle Droid Series 23325 Gamma 5 Factory, that my father is building here on the order of Booster Terrik and Lando Calrissian. And you are one of those terrifying hippie intruders, and thats why i have to kill you now."

"Hey hold it for a second, little triger happy boy. I am Booster Terriks daughter!! And thats why you should not kill me!!!"

>done, hope it wasn't too bad!<

[Flashback-1984 0]

* * * * *

Prince Xixor looked at his chrono and his anger grew stronger.

He began pacing impatiently. He let his anger infiltrate his thoughts. These Hutts they always make trouble. I should never have dealt with them! And I didn't even hear anything from my "faithful" servant Idorationix Bahlumnis Duhl.

And that isn't good at all. He was about to extablish a channel to Tatooine, as his secretary rang him out of his thoughts.

"What's the matter with you can't you see I'm thinking? Well obviously not. Why did you disturb me?" asked Xixor, more controlled now.

The secretary was audibly nervous. "Forgive me master but, there is someone who wants to talk to you."

"Hmm, alright send him in!"

"M-Master, he is not here. It is a holo transmission from a safe channel," answered the secretary .

"Why should I answer it???" asked Prince Xixor curiously, his impatience with the incompetance of his staff growing.

"I-It is a transmission from one of the new datacards, y-you asked me to transmit directly to you..." said the secretary quickly.

"Oh that changes the matter completely! Put it through!"

* * *

When Karrde woke up again all he could think about was vengence.

It almost slipped him right out, but he controlled himself and put on a childlike mask, like he was awaiting an order from his dad.

But in his mind he was making plans to free himself of this computer.

He had figured that he could probably calculate a hyperjump to Kessel faster with his head and a notepad than discussing it with this screwed up computer.

Karrde was on his way to the cargo bay on an errend for the computer when an idea hit him.

On his way back he slipped to the side and hurridly opened the metal cover from a computer access panel. He grabbed the connections and started cursing creatively SCREWU-69. In four different languages.

The SCREWU-69 shocked Karrde, an affect like a father beating his child, not realising what Karrde's plan was. The electricity went right into his system and no more than smoking wire and dead screens were left over of SCREWU-69.

Now Karrdewas free

...Free but without a computer...

* * * * *

Mirax flew the Skate back to the hippies and landed just a few meters away, so they all had to retreat a bit not to be hit by the repulsorthrust.

She walked down the ramp with her blaster in her hand, ready to aim at anyone who would come too close.

As she came near to the hippies, Booster stepped forward and gave her a reproachful.

She aimed the blaster straight at him. "You are coming with me Mr.Terrik, no discussion about that. I have to talk to you." She had no idea what about, but she had no better reasons, so this would have to hold.

He started to protest. "Hey girl, that's my decisio--" He stopped like he was cut off, and his eyes and face turned expressionless for some seconds. "Get away, Mirax, this is no place for you and you have nothing to tell me, you never had. Move or I have to kill you."

Mirax did wait a second before she stunned her dad. Just a split-second to think if stun would be enough.

It was, and he fell like a stone. She grabbed him and dragged him back to the Skate.

The hippies, feeling like their leader was being taken away, started screaming and throwing dirt at Mirax.

She activated the automatic aiming device of the Skate and the twin lasercannons turned towards the hippies. She'd never used it before, but it certainly came in handy now. The hippies dove out of the way, clearing a path to the Skate for her.

As soon as she was inside with the door closed behind her, she locked her father in a passenger cabin. She set a course back to their personal Imperial Class Star Destroyer.

* * * * *

Karrde soon found out the hard way that a dead computer is really no help at all, and his dream of calculating a route to Kessel by hand was pushed away. Far away.

Luckily, the life support system was still working.

But stranded at Dantooine with just the life support was doing him no good, so he started looking for things in the ship he could get to work.

He realised that he missed out on too many mechanics lessons his father should have given to him. So his search went on.

After hours of looking for SOMETHING he could fix, he came back to the cargo bay. The datacards were still lying on the floor. With nothing better to do, Karrde had the idea to check if he could get them to work.

He tried for some desperate minutes, then he accidetially opened one of them, Inside he found a screen and a number to call in emergencies. "Well," he muttered to himself. "This obviously is one."

He punched in the number, and after a few minutes the connection was established. On the screen appeared a young female with a fake-looking smile on her face who asked him what he needed.

He answered plainly, "I need to talk someone in charge here."

"Okay, wait a second," said the female, and on the screen appeared in bright red, blue, and green, "YOUR LINE IS ON HOLD."

He was still wondering how they could have chosen such ugly colors, as a even more ugly green face appeared.

Karrde was even less pleased to recognize it. It was Prince Xixor, the head of Black Sun.

>Done<

>Pod here: all edited!<

>And I've edited it again to get the stupid numbers out...<

>Though still found one <

[Flashback-1984 0]

Karrde paled and a very uncomfortable feeling rose in his throat.

* * * * *

The person on the other side was surprised too, but he was more likely to control his feelings.

So Xixor opened the conversation "Good evening Karrde, I expected you to call me someday! I had heard so much of you and I am really glad to be able to talk to you finally." Said Xixor in his usual cold manner.

"Oh, um, hello, um Prince, um Xixor, um, I am, um, glad too meet you as well." Karrde's voice was trembling terribly.

"I am glad you are. To what do I owe this... pleasure?" asked Xixor, not even faking interest.

"Yes, um, I just wanted to know, what you were planning with these datacards?" Karrde replied, still nervous, but a little more controlled now.

"Oh you are talking about the datacards." Xixor feigned surprise. "We are simply transferring data to the Hutts."

Karrde nearly sighed in relief. "Oh, that's good. I thought you were planning something bad!" Karrde laughed nervously. "But what about this other stuff, that glittery one?"

Xixor waved a hand dismissively. "Oh, that'sl just candy for the Hutts. They requested some new stuff from me. It was something my scientist had invented."

"Oh, well in that case, it shouldn't be any problem for me to deliver these!" Karrde was about to turn away as something dawned on him.

"You were just making fun of me!" Karrde cried in a very child-like voice. He quickly corrected it and said angrily, "You, can't fool me that easily. You had my quick-to-believe side but now I am back, the Karrde known, all across the galaxy." Or at least I hope, he added silently.

"How could you have figured that out?! I tried so hard to deceive you and now everything is a failure!" Xixor would have strangled Karrde through the holo if he could have.

"You know I am smart," said Karrde proudly. "So what are your real plans about the datacards and that glittery stuff? You can tell me, you know the smugllers code doesn't allow me to talk about things clients told me!" Karrde said in his most trustworthy tone, whether it was sincere or not was another story entirely.

"Of course, never thought anything else, my very good friend!" Xixor said with a certain smile on his face.

"Well," Xixor continued. "As you probably guessed, the glittery stuff is sold as a drug. It has strange effects on who takes it, but the person who posseses these datacards, can control whoever took the drug."

"Yeah, that's what I'd expected, but what do you need it for?" asked Karrde, now curiously listening.

"Well, actually, I don't. I just used it once to show its effectivess. It was quite a success, you probaly heard of the hippie uprising on Dagobah." Xixor went on, sounding slightly disgusted. "I just distributed the drugs and then started pulling them all together on Dagobah and turned them into these ugly hippies."

"And so if you don't need them, what are they for?" Karrde's head almost started smoking as he tried to guess what the answer would be.

"Well duh, selling them to stupid Hutts who can't control their minions as well as I can!" said Xixor, sounding just a little annoyed.

"Yeah, that's it!" Karrde said proudly, as if he had thought of it on his onw.

"Since we've solved that problem, could you just deliver the stuff to the Hutts?"

"Yes, of course!' answered Karrde quickly. Sudenly his face turned red, and he looked to his feet. "Um I am sorry but I am sort of stranded here at Dantooine. My computer is fried and I can't get it working again. Would you be so kind as to help me out?"

>All edited!<

[Flashback-1984 0]

* * *

After Mirax had set a course to the Star Destroyer, she went back to her father, and let the medical droid have a quick look on him.

The scan shwoed he was fine, save for the few injuires he got when he was stunned.

She had hoped to find something wrong with him, so she could do something about it. All she could do was to wait for him to wake up.

A few hours later Booster woke up and found himself strapped on a seat in one of the passenger cabins. It took him a few seconds to realise what had happened.

I just can't believe she actaully stunned me, he thought, though any thinking at all caused him excruciating pain.

Just a minute later Mirax came in and had a glass of water and some pills in her hand.

"Glad you woke up finally...! I did not mean to take you aout that long, but you got quite annoying, you know"

"No, I don't know. The last thing I remember is you standing over me with a blaster in your hand. No, wait! I can recall you landing at Dagobah I think, I was standing there with some ugly hippies. I have no idea what I did there. Do you have a clue what happened to me?"

"Well you left me on our ship saying you were going to protest against the battledroid factory you wanted to build there. I could hardly believe you knew what you were doing, so I followed you with the Skate. I found you on Dagobah and tried to contact you but then came some stupid ties from the factory! I had to disintegrate some of them until the leader relised that I was your daughter."

"Then," she continued smiling slyly, "I landed next to you, and well, you sort of talked to me like you'd never done before and so I stunned you to protect you from yourself."

"Oh, well I think I have to thank you. So: Thank you, Mirax, for saving me from myself, or what ever happened to me!" Booster said, trying to stand.

Mirax remembered with a start that he was still fastened to the seat. She walked up behind him and freed him of the constriction.

She added, "But Dad, be careful now what you say and do before you end up back here, okay? Tell me when something is wrong!"

When he was free and could walk again, they went to the cockpit to prepare to leave hyperspace.

done, its all yours Pod

>All edited! If those dern number things come up again, I'll have to fix it later, or else someone in ForSec can do it.<

Beeurd here, I got rid of the numbers for ya!

[Princess 35]

Karrde paused for a minute then sniffed the air. Cursing the broken computer with every cusss word that he knew he realized that SCREWU-69 had drugged him. "Prince Xizor, I would be delighted to deliver that mind control drug to the Hutts."

"Now Karrde you have a ill look on your face, is there something wrong?"

"Not at all, I'm just feeling a little under the weather."

"I see. I will let you go now then. Just make sure that you contact me when the shipment is delivered."

"I will do that. Karrde out." Karrde looked around the ship, worried. Why did he have to destroy the computer. Now he was in deep trouble. He was drugged and locked into a dirty diaper. He would just have to find a way to fix the computer.

>Done. I know it's short but at least it's something<

[Andy 60]

Mirax came over to her father not long after they left hyperspace.

"Uh... dad?"

"Yeah?" Booster said

"I've err.. got the Emperor on a live holo for you... He wants his Star Destroyer back" Mirax said nervously.

"Aww... And I was having so much fun with it..." said Booster, sadly, "I'll go and speak to him, see if I can get a few more weeks lease of it."

Booster walked through to the comm-room to see a 10ft high image of Emperor Palpatine's head. He looked pretty angry.

"What are you doing with my ship?" The Emperor asked angrily.

"What? I only borrowed it" Booster said.

"I want that ship back now. Bring it back to Imperial Centre immediatly"

"Aww... Can't I have it for a few more weeks? I'm sure you have enough of them for yourself right now."

"The Empire never has enough ships." Palpatine responded sharply.

"Gee, you should really watch your temper there, Palpy, ever considered taking anger management classes?"

"Look you fool," said the Sith Lord and Galactic Emperor, "If you don't get me my ship back by the end of the week, I'll have you carved up into little pieces and fed to my pet hamster."

"You have a pet hamster?" Booster asked.

"Yes, I have 3 hamsters, a cat, 9 goldfish, 5 budgies, 2 dogs, a rabbit, a pony, and 6 stick-insects." replied the Emperor.

"Oh I never saw you as the pet-keeping type" said Booster.

"Stop talking jedispit and get off my holonet!" the Emperor yelled.

"Erm... you contacted me, Palpy." Booster said.

"Ah, yes. So I did. I'm watching you..." he said as the image faded.

"What a jerk!" Booster said as he walked back to Mirax in the control room.

[Andy 60]

Booster heard a clanking noise far down the corridor, and looked at a security monitor.

"Ah looks like the secret agent I contacted is here" he said calmly.

"Secret agent?" echoed Mirax.

"Yeah," Booster said, "we haven't solved the hippy mystery yet."

"Do you really think it's neccesary to get a secret agent involved?" Mirax said, "I mean, you could just as esily contact Karrdes people and see if he knows anything about it."

"The chances of Karrde knowing about that are about the same as Han Solo marrying that Princess and having kids that start up a punk-rock band." Booster said.

"I see." Mirax said, defeated.

The secret agent burst into the room suddenly.

It was an attractive young woman, wearing a black leather skin-tight bodysuit, with her long hair flowing down past her shoulders.

"Does my bum look big in this?" She said.

"What the...?" Mirax said.

"Who are you?" Booster said, "I was expecting a secret agent"

"I am Agent 008." She introduced herself, "The names, Blonde. Jane Blonde."

"Really?" said Booster, looking at the agent he'd paid thousands of credits to hire.

"Yeah," she said. "Do you have a dressingroom here? I like, totally have to redo my makeup"

[Bad furday 57]

Booster couldn't take his eyes off of Jane Blonde. Or her shapely bum for that matter.

"I'll help you do your makeup!" he exclaimed.

The thought of being in a dressing room with her was thrilling to him. Especially since it was a rather small dressing room and fitting two people in there would be a tight....squeeze.

A voice jolted him out of his reverie.

"Dad!"

It was Mirax. And she had that 'no nonsense' look that she must have gotten from him.

"Not when I'm onboard this ship you don't!" she snarled.

Jane Blonde walked towards the dressing room and seductively winked at Booster before disappearing inside.

Booster stared after her, as Mirax glared at him.

[TheUnknown 39]

The crew of the Executor was in a mad rush. Sithmas was rapidly approaching and everyone was hanging decorations and singing Sithmas caroles like: "On the first day of Sithmas, the Emporer gave to me a medical droid called 'Two-Onebee" and "Here comes Darth Santa Claus, Here comes Darth Santa Claus, Walking down Darth Santa Claus Lane."

General Veers, who had used the tried and true disappearing act to get out of decorating duty, stormed toward the bridge where Elierod Rod-Rongan was busy hanging tinsel. "Rongan --"

"It's Rod-Rongan," said the young and annoyed tactitian.

"Whatever. Anyways, the Emperor has instructed us to take Vader to see Darth Santa."

Elierod looked horrified at the prospect. "Why do I have to go?" he whined.

"To make up for all the things you've done in the past."

"Like what?" Elierod said, thinking of the multitudes things he did behind the Empire's back. If they ever found out about all of it, it would take Elierod a lot of Darth Santa visits to make up for it.

"Remember those Play-Twi'lek websites? Well, the Empire uses special software to track the websites the user goes to."

"You mean that program that over-protective parents use to protect children from things that aren't really dangerous at all?"

"The one and only."

"And why does the Emperor feel the need to track us."

"I guess he has a twisted sense of humor."

"That sounds like the Emperor."

Ahhhhh. I just hit a train in terms of creativity. I might can finish later or someone else can.

[Link 3]

The Emperor and Darth Santa sat down to have a drink at the Cantina.

"Boy are they paranoid or what?" the Emperor commented with an evil laugh.

Darth Santa pulled out his blaster and began messing with it.

"As well they should be. They have no idea what I have in store for them."

At that moment, Vader walked in and joined the two. He stood there expectantly as if he was to be acknowledged as a king should.

Darth Santa looked up, annoyance written all over his face. "Can we help you?"

"Why no. I just wanted to irritate you is all."

"Well it's working."

"Good. Mission Accomplished."

The Emperor watched in amusement at the exchange and then quickly became solemn again as Vader walked off. A moment later he rose and looked at Darth Santa.

"Shall we?" he asked?

"We shall... Let the festivities begin..."

[TheUnknown 39]

"Let the festivities begin..." With that, Darth Santa walked over to a big, green chair. Around it were fake Sithmas presents, various decorations, and a giant Sithmas tree. The Empire had been unable to find any elves, so they just grabbed a few jawas and stick them in green suits with curly slippers, a curly out, and pointy ears. Oh, how those Jawas cursed them. They used every curse word in the book and made five new books in the process.

Darth Santa sighed and took one last shot of hard ale. He heaved the glass away carelessly, knocking someone out in the process. By this time, a line had formed in front of him. He looked out Vader and said, "Now what would you like for Sithmas, little boy."

Those words sparked something in Vader's twisted, sadistic, disco-and-sequined dress-loving mind that even the Emporer or Master Yoda couldn't have foreseen. Vader went into a hissy fit, stamping his feet and angrily waving his arms. "NO! I DON'T WANT SIT ON THAT FAT MAN'S KNEE!" he screamed in a creepy, high-pitched, child-like voice that still sounded mechanical.

"Fat?" Darth Santa said. "This suit makes me look fat? Palpaboo, you said this doesn't make me look fat!"

"And it doesn't," Palpatine said. "Help my apprentice to the chair," he told Elierod and Veers. It took them a while to act for they were still rolling in the floor over "Palpaboo." The look of death from the Emporer quickly got the two up and trying to push Vader to Darth Santa. But it wouldn't budge. It was like trying to push a Hutt, which was ironic considering Elierod had once taken a bet to push over a sleeping Hutt.

"Wait a second," Veers said, panting. "This always worked for my mother. Vader honey." he pointing a warning index finger at a snickering Elierod, "if you sit on his lap and tell him want you want, I'll get you an ice cream."

Vader still didn't budge. "Well, that was a brilliant idea," Elierod snapped.

"Shut up." Then, another idea came to Veers's brain. "I'll get you the new Donna Summer album and a gift certificate for Fashion Bug." Vader was on Darth Santa's knee in a flash, so quickly that Veers and Elierod fell in the floor.

"Well, then, what you want, little boy."

"I'm not a little boy. I'm a princess," Vader said. Palpatine could only shake his head.

Trying to bite back a strange combination of horror and laughter, Darth Santa said, "Okay, then. What do you want for Sithmas, little princess."

"I want a dolly and an easy bake oven and a teddy bear and..."

"I'm starting to think I made a mistake," Palpatine whispered.

DONE