Ongoing Comedy 3: Life in the Spice Lane

[Link 3]

Vader stood up laughing Maniacally. He took one last look at Darth Santa and started to Saunter off as Palpatine walked up behind him and grabbed him by the shoulders.

"Come along my little pinata. Time for the children to beat you senseless with this metal pole!"

Vader's eyes widened in horror as Palpatine relentlessly tied him upand hung him from the celing around his midriff.

"Palpatine!!!! Palpa...." He was cut off in mid sentence as thousands of little kids started beating him senseless.

"Mommy! Mommy! Your turn!" cried on small child.

The mother took the bat and whacked Vader as hard as she possibly could. Vader felt himself slip into darkness and went limp.

"Oops.... That was NOT supposed to happen..." Palpatine, pale as he was, turned several lovely shades of red and slunk out the door.

Dart Santa just stood there laughing as if he had never seen a funnier sight.

DONE

[Link 3]

SEVERAL HOURS LATER...

"Shmi!!! Shmi is that you!!! Padme? What the! Why are you here?"

"He's losing it I'm telling you." Darth Santa doubled over in laughter.

Palpatine was not looking happy. "We can't carry out our plan with him in this state! Are you SANE!"

Tears streaming down his face, Darth Santa answered, "Nope. S... si..."

He couldn't finish his phrase. A moment later he composed himself enough to shout, "SITH!"

"State the obvious why don't you?" Palpatine muttered with a murderous tone.

"I'm right here darling! It's me! Padme!!!" Darth Santa went to the hospital bedside and took Vader's hand. "I'm right by your side love!"

Vader opened his eyes wide enough to see Darth Santa.

"You look lovely my dear. It's been so long..."

Bursting into another bout of laughter, Darth Santa kept his rant going.

"Yes. The children are so lovely! I-"

Darth Santa was stopped abruptly as Palpatine force choked him.

"That's quite enough. You're irritating me!"

Drawing his lightsaber, Palpatine repeatedly stabbed Darth Santa with it, creating a hole in his body and then healed it and started the process all over.

A tipsy Darth Santa, giggled with a girlish sound.

"Hee hee! Do it again! Do it again!!!"

DONE

[Andy 60]

Just then another person walked in. Someone who looked remarkably like Darth Santa. Except he had red horns instead of a red hat.

Darth Santa gasped at the sight.

"You know this guy?" Palpatine said pinting to the newcomer.

"Y.. Yes!" Darth Santa stammered. He's my twin brother - Darth Satan!"

Darth Satan walked towards his twin with a large sack of mail.

"Here's all that stupid incorrectly addressed mail I keep getting." Satan said, "I'm telling you, there's another 3 Star Destroyers full of your mail, the Hell Postal Service just can't cope with it!"

"Well," Santa began, "I have a huge pile of mail at home addressed to 'Santa, Destroyer of Worlds'"

"So," yelled Satan angrilly, "you think I like getting letters saying 'Dear Satan, I've been very good this year...'!"

"Padme dear..." Vader said from his bed.

"Shut up!" yelled Palpatine! and fried them all with some Force Lightning.

"Oww!" The three cried.

"Wh.. What happened?" Vader said, jumping up, suddenly back to normal. "Who's the other red dude?"

"I'm Darth Satan, the Lord of all Evil" he introduced himself.

"I'd have to disagree there..." Palpatine commented.

"Oh shut it, wrinkles!" said Satan to Palpatine.

Palpatine was taken aback by Satan's insult and started yelling "Get out of my galaxy!" over and over again.

"Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!" yelled Satan.

Vader leaned over to Santa and whispered to him "Between them they make enough noise to scare off a herd of rancors..."

Darth Santa chuckled and said "Come on, lets get out of here"

And Santa and Vader crept out of the room to leave Palpatine and Satan to their arguements.

Once safely out into the corridor, Vader said "I could hardly hear myself breath in there!"

Darth Santa looked doubtfully at the Dark Lord, who had recently been added to the Galactic Book of Records under Loudest Breath. "Me neither" he said.

[Bad furday 57]

"Say, I've got an idea!" exclaimed Vader. He quickly ushered Darth Santa into one of the rooms in the corridor.

Vader strode vaderishly towards the holocomm projector in the wall, with Darth Santa in tow. Vader dialed a number, and the pair waited.

A woman wearing a headset appeared on the screen

" The Maury Povich Show, how may I help you?" she said.

"Well, " said Vader, as Darth Santa was too astonished to speak, " We have some friends who we feel would be perfect to appear on the show. Preferably the 'I Am Eviler Than Thou' episode."

"Oh," said the woman, typing away on a datapad. "I'm certain that can be arranged. Who would be coming?"

Vader gave Darth Santa what he hoped was his slyest looking helmeted smirk before answering.

" It would be Emperor Palpatine, Darth Satan, Darth Santa, and myself!"

The lady copied it all on her datapad, looking over various schedules and scenarios.

" Ok, we can arrange to have you guys on the show in about three (3) weeks. Will that work?"

"Yes, it will" replied Darth Santa. Vader added,

"See, Palpatine and Darth Satan are the ones who are really going at it. We're both affiliated in some way with one or the other. We can tell viewers what happens between the two of them as we see it!"

"Alright, we'll keep that in mind." said the lady and she ended the transmission.

Both Darth Vader and Darth Santa looked at each other and laughed maniacally.

"I'll have to remember to tape that episode!" remarked Darth Santa.

Vader snickered,

"My master will be most surprised!"

[Bad furday 57]

Darth Vader and Palpatine relaxed in Palpatine's throne room. It had been a very merry Sithmas for them both indeed.

Palpatine was trying to figure out how to get his karaoke machine to work, while munching on a candy cane.

"Vader, Darth Santa's a dear old Sith,"-crunch- "but why couldn't he"-munch-gulp- "leave me any directions for this thing?" exclaimed Palpatine.

Vader heard Palpatine crunching, munching, and gulping his candy cane over the noise of his Playstation2.

"Eh? Oh, they're in the pocket of your robes, Master" he said.

Vader turned back to his game. It was very familiar to him.

"I'm on the leader" muttered Vader. "The Force is strong with this one!"

Vader's flight computer signaled a lock, and he pressed a button on the game pad.

Luke Skywalker's X-Wing exploded in a huge fireball.

"Whoohoo! Booyah! Who's your daddy now?!" shouted Vader with glee.

[TheUnknown 39]

The three weeks had passed and it was now time for the four Darths to appear on the Maury Povich show. As they walked into the back of the studio, they were greeted by the show's producer.

"Hello, Dark Lords of the Sith."

"Hello," they all said in a very un-Sith-like tone.

"Here are your scripts."

"Our what?" Darth Santa asked.

"Your scripts. You see, for the past few years, the Maury Povich Show has shown exactly three types of shows. In fact, any delineation would cause the brains of those who actually watch our crappy show to spontaneously combust, which in turn would cause the universe to collapse on itself. But today, we're combining all three of our formats in an ultimately futile attempt to compete with the Oprah Winfrey Show, the Jerry Springer Show, and thirty year-old reruns of Bonanza. And you four will play the parts."

"Hey, we were supposed to have our own show," Vader said.

"Is that what you actually thought," the producer said, laughing.

"Well, then we just won't be on the show."

"Oh yes you will. There is a clause in your contract that requires you to forfeit all of your domain if you don't appear."

"What?" the four Darths said.

"Look at the fine print." So, they did. And there it said, "Let me guess. You nimrods didn't read the fine print. Anyways, you will lose all of your domain if you don't appear on our completely boring show. You probably didn't read the part about handing over your first born son either, now did you? Or what about the part requiring you to sing the entire Barry Manilow catologue at all my birthday parties?"

The Darths were dumbfunded. "Well, you better hurry up on get your parts down. The show starts in two minutes."

Two minutes later...

"Hello, everyone. I'm Maury Povich, America's second-most annoying talk show host behind Montel. Today on our show, something we haven't shown in a long time: two episodes. mothers of wild teens. With us here is Palpy." On the stage sat Palpatine, dressed on the overly made up, overly jewelried garb of self-righteous mothers, you know the ones who don't have a jewelry box so they have to wear all the jewelry they own all the time.

"Palpy's daughter Vadera is a wild teen into wild clothes and wild activities." The audience gave their customary boos and oos, surprised since they haven't seen something like this in oh, three days.

"So, meet Vadera." The crowd booed once again as the uniform theme of slutty young teens played over the sound system. Out came Vader, dressed in a skimpy metal thong and enjoying it a little too much. The crowd was now on their feet with mindless booing.

Vader did some grinding and flaunting and gave said a few things so the censors could give off the appearance that there was something...egdy being said. "Hello Vadera. Tell us, why do you like to dress and act this way."

"'Cause I like it," Vader said in his best whore with an attitude voice. "I've slept with everyone I know, smoked everything I've seen, drank everything that's liquid, and I'm in a Punk band.

The crowd booed again, but they would have booed even if Vader had said "I kiss babies on the forehead and help old ladies across the street."

Some old, nosey busy-bodie who felt the need to meddle in other people's affairs stood up and took the microphone. "Listen, little girl, you need to put some clothes on and stop being a slut."

Vader jumped to his feet and started screaming. "UH UH! UH UH! YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU DON'T KNOW ME!" There were some more bleeps and boos, but they would have come if Vader had said "Yes, Ma'am. You're quite right."

Now it was time for Maury to appear to be the clean-shaven, choir boy, even though he was the one that brought this stuff on inter-galactic television.

"Well, Vadera, you need to learn to behave yourself."

A sly grin appeared on Vader's face, even though no one saw it. "That's not what Connie Chung said last night."

That response caught Maury so off guard that the fire department had to be called in case Maury's hairpiece caught on fire from his combusting brain. "Uh," he said. "What need to go to a commercial."

DONE

I'll write about the other formats later today or tonight.

[TheUnknown 39]

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS MILD ADULT LANGUAGE AND SATIRE OF AN ANNOYING SHOW. IT MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR MATURE AUDIENCES.

Vader and Palaptine were whisked off the stage. Backstage, Palpatine quickly worked to change back into his Sith robes. "These are the worst clothes I've ever worn."

"I kinda like my metal thong," Vader said.

Palpatine rolled his eyes. "I hope you grow up to have kids and grandkids that are just like you."

Back on the set, the hairdressers were just finishing replacing Maury's crispy hairpiece with another skunk. Darth Santa was now sitting on the stage, dressed in a very revealing outfit, even though he weighed as much as a young Hutt. And he was not happy about it.

With everything back in place, it was time to start the show back. "Welcome back," Maury said. "With us now is Santwiqua. This is her son nerfherdericious." Behind Darth Santa a Noghri, one that even other Noghri thought ugly appeared on a screen. The audience still ooed and awed, but that was all their infantile minds would allow.

"Santwiqua has a litle problem. Tell us about it."

"Well, Maury. I don't know who the father is." The audience gasped. This hadn't happened into like two episodes.

"Do you have any clue who it may be?"

"Yeah, I think it may be someone I had a one night stand with. His name is Santanicious."

"Well, meet Satanicious." Darth Satan ran out to the stage dressed on the standard attire of a bling-bling rap wannabe. Once again, the crowd booed. Darth Satan yelled some and flicked a few people off before sitting down.

"Hello, Satanicious. Do you have anything to say?

"Yeah," he said in any overly thuggish voice. "That ain't my baby." The crowd booed again. "Look at him! He looks nothing like me."

"Yes he does. Yes he does," Santa said. "He's your baby."

"How do you know? You've slept with everyone you've ever met."

"No I haven't!" Santa screamed.

"Yes you have."

Okay, now for the results of the paternity test. At this point, the script called for the results to be negative and for Satan to jump around yelling how stupid Santa is.

"You are the father."

Santa jumped to his feet and was about to start his act, the realized what Maury said. "What?"

"You are the father."

The show went to a commercial.

DONE

Last part later.

[Bad furday 57]

Talon Karrde wandered around his ship aimlessly on Dantooine. With no way to properly repair his computer, flying the ship and making hyperspace jumps would be a clear route to an untimely demise.

With little to do on Dantooine, Karrde had begun to expore his surroundings. So far, he had discovered that there were twenty-five different types of grasses, over thirty species of birds, and countless insects, many annoying.

Glancing at his chrono, he noted that it had been several hours since Prince Xixor had said that help was on the way.

Sighing, Karrde went back inside the Uwana Buyer, and tried again to contact Aves. The screen flickered and did little else.

Even his computer's Sabacc game wasn't working.

With a sigh, Karrde reclined in the pilot's chair, waiting for help to arrive.

Done!

[Andy 60]

Karrde was sat in the pilots seat whistling to himself when there was a knock on the ships door. He got up and ran over to it and opened it to see Xizor standing there with a bunch of repairmen.

"Prince Xizor!?" gasped Karrde in amazement.

"No, no. I'm Prince Xizor's son, Xizor Junior" said Xizor Jr.

"Ah, I see," Karrde said, "so you came here to help?"

"Well I certainly didn't come here to have fun"

Karrde laughed, "I love clients with a sense of humour"

Xizor Jr. wasn't laughing at all.

"Anyway..." said Karrde enthusiastically, "Let's make like a bakery and roll!"

"A bakery?" Xizor Jr. echoed sourly, "Roll?"

"Yeah... I made that up myself" Karrde chuckled.

* * * * *

Half an hour later the ship was repaired, with a new computer installed, and Xizor's people and Karrde went their separate ways, leaving the battered remnants of SCREWU-69 to rust on the planet's surface.

"Make sure you get the cargo to Nal Hutta soon!" said Xizor Jr.'s voice over the comm, "It's late enough as it is"

"Will do, your Amazingness." Karrde said, before cutting off the comm.

"Hey, I could have some fun with this stuff..." Karrde said to himself, and grinned evilly.

[Princess 35]

Karrde set course for Nal Hutta. His new computer was extremely helpful. "Computer what is your name?"

"Master Karrde, my designation is Sissy4U. I am here to serve to your every need. You only have to ask and I shall do for you. The entire ship is now centrally wired to me so you never have to lift a finger. You say it and I shall do it."

"Thank you Sissy. I will be going to check my records now."

"Yes Master Karrde. How would you like them organised. By contact, what was smuggled, date of smuggling, type of ship used..."

Karrde interruptede Sissy4U very quickly. "I have my own method of organising, and if it's changed, I swear that I'll rip out your central processor."

The computer quickly shut up. This was going to be a long trip to Nal Hutta. Karrde almost missed SCREWU-69.

DONE

[Andy 60]

Vader walked in to the Throne Room, after managing to escape from Santa and Satan, who were in an arguement over who's fault it was they both forgot their mother's birthday.

"Yo, master, whassup?" Vader said casually.

"You been at that spice again?" Palpatine asked cautiously.

"No, man," Vader denied, "I don't do that stuff!"

"Right..." said Palpatine.

"Anyway, Palps, I thought of this really cool idea. I got a group of scientists working on it down at the Maw Installation"

"You have a new weapon for me then?" Palpatine leaned forward with intreigue.

"No, no, I got a new candy bar!" said Vader, excitedly. "You know how next week is the 1st anniversary of the destruction of Alderaan?"

"I was aware of the fact" said Palpatine.

"And you know that cool stuff you get that when you put it in your mouth it pops and explodes and stuff?"

"Yeah..."

"Well, I had it put in a bar of chocolate!" Vader said with triumph. "It's called the Alderaan Bar, and I thought of a slogan too: 'Explodes in your mouth, not in space'"

"Excellent, work, my apprentice" the Emperor said, "When can it be released into the stores?"

"It will be ready to supply every store in the galaxy by the weekend"

"Every store?"

"Yes master, a few people declined my polite offer to supply them, but they changed their minds when I had a Star Destroyer raze their towns to the ground"

The two Sith Lords liked the plan so much that they stood cackling evilly for the next hour or so.

[Bad furday 57]

"It's your fault that we forgot mum's birthday!" exclaimed Darth Santa, shouting over the sound of Vader and Palpatine's evil cackling.

"If you hadn't been galavanting around the underworld setting fire to everything-"

"I do not, and no, it's yours!" cried Darth Satan. "You're always making a list, checking it twice, and trying to find out who's naughty or nice!" sneered Satan.

"So?!" snapped Santa.

"They're obviously all naughty!" Satan replied, " And that's why you should leave that sort of thing for me to do. I'd do it much faster!"

"You deliver presents?!" Santa spluttered angrily, "I think not! You'd mess things up terribly!"

"Oh yeah? And who called that stupid Maury Povich fella and made us all appear on that show in drag, thus missing mum's birthday?! Who?!" Sneered Satan, pointing his finger at Santa.

"Um...actually, it was him" said Santa, pointing at Vader.

Vader and Palpatine stopped cackling.

"Riiiiiiiiight...." said Vader, and stuck his tongue out at Santa, though no one saw it. Then, Vader blew him a raspberry.

Palpatine thought this was so funny, he began to cackle evily again. Vader quickly joined him.

"Force, that's an awful lot of cackling!" exclaimed Santa.

Done!

[Admiral Daala 0]

An Imperial Officer came up to Lord Vader and the two stopped craclking for a

minute.

"My Lord....." the man started but Vader held his fingers in a choke postion.

"You are suppsoed to say 'My Dude!" he exclaimed.

"Uhh My Dude?" the Officer asked.

"Yes?"

"We are getting hailed by a Hippies4-Ever smuggler station," he said.

"I shall answer," Vader said.

Vader walked into his pritive holocram chamber.

"Yea Dudes?" he said.

"Dude Vader. We like need peace and could we have a ship?" Booster Terrik

asked. "This is Dude Booster."

"Well we have a red-flower SSD......"

[Bad furday 57]

"Would you like a mint on your pillow with that ?" asked Vader

"Huh?!" said Booster, very bewildered.

"With the Star Destroyer. We also install disco balls and lights on the bridge free of charge!" replied Vader.

Booster noticed that Vader was gradually changing shape. He was growing shorter, and his helmet had morphed into a face which was stark white except for black eyebrows and eye sockets . A red nose and large mop of hair complimented a two-tone suit with puffy buttons and very large shoes.

Before Booster's eyes, Vader had become a clown. The clown formerly known as Vader laughed in a most unpleasant way, and skipped around the room.

As dozens of balloons appeared, the clown looked slyly at Booster, then threw back his head and laughed, revealing a mouthful of sharp teeth, as the balloons burst and splattered blood everywhere.

Booster yelled in horror, and turned to run. To him it was like running in the marshes of Naboo. He was sinking down in the mire, the cackling clown looming closer. He looked down and found that he was sinking into a pool of blood.

The clown was gaining, and it was snarling at him.

"Dad! Dad!!" it taunted.

* * * * * *

Booster awoke with a start. Mirax was snarling at him.

"Dad!! Dad!!! You've been hitting the spice again, haven't you!" cried Mirax angrily.

"And this too!" she said, picking up one of many empty beer cans lying around the couch. Mirax threw the can at Booster and it bounced off his head, landing in the rubbish bin.

"Goal!!" yelled Mirax. Booster could only look at her with a dazed and confused expression.

[Andy 60]

Back on Imperial Centre, Vader and Palpy were having a random discussion.

"But wouldn't the squirrels will kill him?" asked Vader nervously.

"No, no, no" Palpy replied, "The meatballs would eat the squirrels before they reached him"

The noticed a new person who had entered the Emperor's throne room.

"Grand Moff Tarkin?" gasped Palpatine.

"Aren't you suppose to be dead?" Vader commented.

"You actually think I'd personally travel aboard the biggest target the Rebellion had ever seen?" Tarkin said, "I think you underestimate my common sense"

"Well, sorry." Palpy apologised. "So what are you here for?"

"I bring a new device from the Maw Installation" Tarkin said, as he reached a small wand with buttons on the side, "It's the Time Wand, you can reverse time for certain objects, I'll show you!"

Tarkin picked up an ancient vase from a display in the room and smashed it onto the floor. He pointed the wand at the destroyed antique and pressed a button.

"Sith! That's amazing!" Vader cried as the vase peiced itself back together AND all the dirt of thousands of years of use dissapeared. "Let me see!"

Vader reached out for the wand, but Tarkin moved away quickly, so that Vader wouldn't get it, but it slipped from his grasp and clattered to the floor, pressing a button in the process.

"Uh oh" said Palpy.

Instantly the years ticked back, and soon Palpy, Vader, and Tarkin were just three kids standing in the huge Imperial throne room.

(( Hehe, now I really have to go, I intend to post a bit more, but ran out of time.

I intended the following.

Vader is now an inquisitive youngster.

Tarkin is a bully boy

and Plapy is the edlest, who tries to keep the others under control, but fails. hehe.

))

[Bad furday 57]

Heh. Actually Beeurd....

" Sandstorms are very, very, dangerous!" said Vader, now a young Anakin. He looked around confused.

" Wait...did I just say that? And where's Master Qui Gon?" Anakin began to sniffle, and wiped his nose on his sleeve. Then, he noticed a figure standing next to him for the first time.

" Um...who are you?" he asked the boy about his age.

" My folks call me Willhuf. But you can call me Will. Will Robinson to be exact!" mused the tall, thin boy to Anakin's left.

Anakin and the young Tarkin noticed a third boy rolling around on the floor with Wookiee laughter.

"Willhuf!? Oh man, did you parent's like, hate you or something? Heh, that'll get a laugh at the academy! Who's sourer than sour cream? Willhuf! What do spoiled milk and Wil-"

Young Palpatine's rant was cut short by Tarkin smashing the recently repaired vase on Palpatine's head.

[Andy 60]

"Hey whats this?" said Anakin, picking up the broken Time Wand.

"It's mine, whatever it is!" Tarkin said, reaching over and snatching it off the kid.

"Looks broken to me" commented the young Palpatine, who was picking vase fragments from his hair.

"I can fix anything!" cried Anakin, "Let me try to fix it!"

Just then another boy, about Anakins age walked in.

"Who are you?" asked Palpy.

"I'm Max Veers" the boy said cheerfully, "But I haven't got a clue how I got here"

"Neither do I" agreed Palpy. "Lets try and get back to Naboo, it's where I grew up"

"Why should we go where you come from?" Tarkin said, "What about Eriadu, where I live."

"I know more about the galaxy than you!" said Palpy, "I'm going to be a politician when I grow up, I have to learn these things."

"What things?" asked Max.

"Everything!" said Palpy.

"Well, when you're a politician, can I have a starship?" Anakin asked.

"Maybe" Palpy told him.

((Okay, It's up to you how much of the galaxy is affected by the time wand. How about all of it? *cackles evilly* Or maybe just the Imperial Palace? Hmm... ))

[Bad furday 57]

The doors to the room opened again, and a much younger boy wandered in.

He was carrying a Play Twi'lek magazine under his arm.

"Errr..hello! I'm Elirod Rod Rongan!" said the lad.

"Who?! exclaimed the others.

"Elirod Rod Rongan!" said Elirod.

"Ah yes....you look strangely familiar." mused Max Veers.

"What's that?!" cried Anakin, pointing to the magazine.

"I don't know, suddenly I felt weird and then there was this magazine in my hands, and some similar stuff on the computer screen infront of me." replied Elirod.

Anakin took the magazine from Elirod and opened it up. His eyes widened in surprise and glee. Unfolding a centerfold pullout, he exclaimed,

"What a babe! What a bithin' babe!"

The others all crowded around to view for themselves.

[Andy 60]

"Whoah!" they all said flicking through the pages at all the scantily clothed Twi'lek girls.

"Lets all go and find out whats going on" Palpy said.

"Hey, we'd better take this with us!" Anakin said.

"Yeah!" said Elirod "I dunno how I got it, but I want some more!"

They all wandered out of the Imperial Palace, avoiding all the guards, even though most of them where just babies crying on the floor. Or maybe that was why they avoided them...

"Well the docking bay is over there" Palpy said.

"Huh? What?" said Elirod, looking up from his magazine.

"I said the docking bay is over there" he repeated.

"I got an idea!" Tarkin said, pushing his way to the front.

* * *

An hour later a shuttle jumped into hyperspace.

On board, the young Palpatine clasped his head in his hands.

"Why is nothing proceeding as I have forseen?!" he moaned.

"Well I'm the pilot here," said Anakin, "and I want to go to Tatooine to find my mom"

"Do I have to stay in here?" said Tarkin from a cage in the corner.

"Yeah, after you stole that speeder I just can't trust you any more" said Palpy.

"You did steal this shuttle" Max said to Palpy.

"No, I borrowed the shuttle," Palpy insisted, "there is a difference."

"Well we should be in hyperspace for a few more hours, so lets play 'I Spy'" Anakin suggested.

"Okay, I'm the eldest so I'll go first" said Palpy. "I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with... Um... H"

"Hyperspace!" yelled Elirod.

"Aww... I thought that was a good one..." Palpy said.

"My turn, now" Elirod said. "I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with F"

"Flowers!" said Anakin.

"Where are the flowers?" Max said, confused.

"I dunno..."

"Food" said Tarkin, from inside the cage.

"No, but I am hungry..." Elirod said, "I wonder where the supplies are on this thing?"

They forgot their game and started looking for food instead, but they found 'Play Twi'lek' again, so they looked at that some more.

[Bad furday 57]

As the shuttle raced through hyperspace, the lads were preoccupied with the Play Twi'lek magazine.

Anakin found it hard to pilot and gawk at the pictures of barely clad Twi'leks at the same time. He found himself looking more at the pictures than what was outside the windows of the shuttle.

Elirod had gone off in search of food....and had not returned.

"Oh, where can he be?!" snapped Veers, " He couldn't have gotten lost, the shuttle's not that big!"

An investigation by Tarkin and Veers found Rongan in the supply area, munching happily away on Imperial Gummies.

"Mmpf!- There's some Burger Emperor stuff here too. You just have to warm it up in the microwave" said Elierod, hastily swallowing.

Tarkin and Veers quickly warmed up a bunch of burgers and fries, along with some onion rings, and took them back to the cockpit.

Before they did so , both of them smacked Elierod on the head, for pigging on the supplies and not bringing any back to the others.

"What?!" cried Elierod, with his mouth full.

[Princess 35]

Suddenly the shuttle was pulled out of hyperspace.

"Sithspit," Young Vader yelled.

"Lord Vader, do not use that type of language around me," Palpy said as he walloped Vader on the head.

"Aww Palpsters, I was just so kriffing mad. The hyperdrive just quit functioning."

Hearing this, Tarkin joined in the hit Anakin on the head party.

"It's not my fault!" Anakin screamed. "Anyways look, there's Naboo right there. Amidala will be there and she'll help us."

"I thought she left you when you turned Sith, Anakin," Tarkin said.

"Aww, she was just being a girl then. Who can resist my boyish charm?" Anakin brought the shuttle down to land by Theed Palace and asked where Padme Amidala was. He was told that she was at her cottage in the country so that's where they headed.

At the cottage, Anakin had Tarkin, Elirod, and Palpy wait while he went inside. Walking inside he saw Amidala looking at holos of a young boy and girl, and crying. "Amidala, darling, who are they?"

Amidala spun around and gasped in surprise when she saw Anakin standing there, looking like the little boy she fell in love with on Tatooine. "Ani! Goodness how you've shrunk."

"Oh Padme, you've aged so gracefully."

"What are you doing here Anakin?"

"It's a long story Padme. Do you have any Blended Gungan to drink?"

[Andy 60]

They sat around Padme's apartment drinking their Blended Gungan. It seems that after Jar Jar gave Palpatine the opportunity to declare himself Emperor, gungans became a delicacy on their homeworld.

Elirod had found a newsagent that had some more Play Twi'lek magazines, so he was drooling in the corner while the others explained their situation.

"I wish I could help" Padme said, "But the best I can do is get you tickets for the Sith 182 concert this weekend"

"Ah well," said Palpy, "it's something to do while we try to figure everything out."

"Aww," Anakin moaned, "I prefer Jedi Eat World to Sith 182."

"Geez, everyone knows Huttboy Slim is the coolest!" Tarkin interrupted.

"Will you boys shut up about music?" Padme yelled, "I had this trouble with our kids!"

"Kids?" echoed Anakin.

"Umm... I said, uh, grandparents, yeah" Padme said quickly. "My grandparents where always going on about music..."

"Right..." Anakin said suspiciously.

[Princess 35]

"Anyways Padme, where's the bathroom in this place?" Young Ani asked.

"It's down the hall, take 2 rights and then use the force to flip yourself upside down 5 times, turn left 99 times. You can't miss it!"

"Uhh, if I'm not back in a standard year, send Palpsters looking for me!"

While Ani went to use the refresher, Padme sent the other children outside to play. Once they were outside, she hid all of the pictures of Luke and Leia that she could find. With that hidden she sent a holo off to Yoda.

"Help me Yoda. Anakin and Palpsters are here. The children are not safe now. Anakin has seen a picture. Help me Yoda. You're my only help!"

[Princess 35]

On Dagobah...

Yoda had just finished viewing the message from Padme. "Help her I must. In trouble the children are. But cannot leave Padme Amidala Skywalker Organa, too young she is. Find out about his granddaughter Anakin must not. Stronger in the Force she is then him."

"Master Yoda," the young Padme Amidala Skywalker Organa asked, "why are you worrying?"

"Ah youngling, go see someone I must. In trouble they are. To Tatooine you go to stay with Master Obi-Wan."

"I thought Obi-Wan was dead."

"Dead he is not. Good trick he did. Helo me with my battle metal bikini, youngling."

"Yes Master Yoda."

[Princess 35]

Master Yoda quickly donned his battle bikini. It was samll gold and skimpy, perfect for scaring your enemy with. He hobbled onto his ship, Little Green Thing and set course for Naboo, with Padme Amidala Skywalker Organa at his side. He would have to stop somewhere safe and drop her off first, Vader could not be allowed to know that she was alive.

On Naboo...

"Padme, love, something is going on here," Anakin said. "I feel a strange disturbance in the Force. It is like you are keeping something from me."

"Well Ani, you did marry me, turn to the dark side of the Force, threaten all of the Jedi, who might I remind you, saved you from a life of slavery on Tatooine. Not only that you got me pregnant..." Amidala broke off there. Everyone was just staring in shock at her.

"Pregnant? But I didn't. I mean we didn't? How?!?!?!"

"Lord Vader, if you don't know that by now you have to get out of that suit more often," Palpy jeered at Vader.

Vader retaliated to Palpatine's remark by Force choking him very tightly.

"Ani! Enough of this! Let Emperor Palpatine go!" Amidala started on another long streak of ranting. "I give you shelter, let you stay in my house. Feed you. I loved you! And this is how you repay me? I think not!" With that, she stormed out of the room.